“Are We Sluts?” -Carrie Bradshaw

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Thank you Carrie Bradshaw for posing that loaded question! As Miranda was reeling over how many men she was going to have to call to find out how she managed to contract an STD, it got me wondering…is there a universal definition for what makes a slut a slut?

At this point how seriously can we even take the word? Most girls would call a virgin a slut if they are jealous of her or dislike her. It’s also a favorite term of endearment among girls. So what exactly do we do to have such a title bestowed upon us?

I think it depends on where you are. In po-dunk no where Mississippi having sex with anyone before you’re married might make you a slut. Watching the Tyra Banks show once I learned people in NY have the highest number of sexual partners, at double the national average. Yeah, Cali girls that includes us…for the win! (Or loss depending on how you look at it).

I did a little research on this particular topic…because as charming as my opinion is on it’s own, I like facts because I like to win arguments (haters gonna hate). According to an article on NYdailynews.com the Sex & the City girls did not rack up the stats you would think…

“Of the four women, public relations exec Samantha racked up the most sexual partners. She bedded 41 men and one woman, while Carrie hooked up with 18, Charlotte 18 and Miranda 17.”

Ummmm that’s not that high…at least not as high as I was expecting? I mean they were supposed to be a tad slutty and sexually empowered, right? In the article, previously quoted, an NY woman states she stopped counting when she reached 56….are you trying to tell me someone in real life topped the great sex pot Samantha Jones?? What!?!?

I may have a generous perspective because I went to Chico State…hearing someone had upped their infamous number three times between Tuesday and Sunday or had surpassed Carrie, Miranda and Charlotte wasn’t exactly shocking. I’m far more shocked by Carrie, Charlotte and Miranda to be perfectly honest. (Really though…the show was called SEX and the city.) I firmly believe where you live puts your inner slut in perspective. In a college town or big city, a number like 18 doesn’t warrant much judgement…but upon returning home for the holidays you may want to plead the fifth, or at least confess last. Your girlfriends who never left town, and are soon to be engaged to their high school
Sweetheart (and one and only sexual partner) might find your number to be appalling…I mean just yesterday they called the girl who works at the pinkberry and just slept with a second guy a slut. Yeah girl…keep your mouth shut or lie!

There is plenty to be said for women who have escaped the title of slut! Sex is supposed to be a meaningful experience after all. NY Daily quoted exotic dancer Crystal in defense of the good girl…(unlikely source..I know right).

“The women on ‘Sex and the City’ went through so many guys they devalued sex….I’ve seduced thousands of men, but my actual number of sex partners is one, maybe one and a half. Sex should be special.”

Funny thing…I’m betting most people?upon hearing Crystal’s profession, would call her a slut. Well there’s some irony for ya, huh?

Then there’s the good old advice you get from mom. When you tell a slutty story about someone you know and she says…”young girls don’t realize what they’re doing, they are someday going to have to tell the man they marry that they’ve slept with 20
Other men” she also gave us the “they won’t but the cow if you give them the milk for free.” All true…thanks mom.

But I can’t help but wonder if momma’s advice is preaching a double standard. So it’s up to the guy if he’s cool with how many men we’ve been with but we are supposed to be fine if he whored it up?? Ummm…no thank you! Ladies hold him to the same standards as he holds you!

I’ll leave you with this…According to NY daily sluts have some lovely qualities..
“Women with higher numbers tend to be more educated, have more liberal views and higher self-esteem,”

So what constitutes a slut? I still don’t freaking know! Another one of life’s great mysteries… Maybe they will make a Sex & The City 3 and Carrie can finally give us a real answer. For now C’est La Vie.

Quotes from: http://m.nydailynews.com/entertainment/sex-city-number-sex-partners-true-new-york-life-article-1.326644#bmb=1
Photo credit: http://pinterest.com/pin/A1KRRQAQwO0CcyqtCMIAAAA/

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Always A Bridesmaid Never A Bride…

…and this is how we like it!

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In the days approaching Christmas there were Facebook Status’ and Tweets galore dedicated to what people would do those who
Posted there Michael Kors gifts on any social media outlets ( so I didn’t post mine… You’re welcome) but not one ill word was spoken about those who post their engagement ring! This left me woefully unprepared for what I would be bombarded with logging on to Facebook last night.
I was shocked… My news feed was littered with newly diamond adorned fingers and adorable engagement photos complete with a Christmas tree backdrop.

This is the first year this has happened… At least 6 of my friends, acquaintances and co-workers got engaged over the last three days. Meanwhile I’m busy packing for my boyfriends wild 25th birthday weekend in Reno. Something is just not adding up here.
So many of my friends are now planning weddings and I’m still planning my vacations and day drinking endeavors.

Scarier yet were all the same age… As my boyfriend and I are coming up on our two year anniversary my friends are now betting on who’s getting engaged next and I’m favored to win (which will probably be hysterical and terrifying to my boyfriend all at the same time).

Fortunately for me …my three best girl friends and I are still on the same level. We’re trying to tame our wild ways but were still planning birthday weekends of wine tasting in Palm Springs. So I am not alone in enjoying my life as a girlfriend and not a fiancé.

I’m excited to say I have been lucky enough to be asked to be a bridesmaid! I’m so thrilled to be there sanding with and supporting my friend on her big day… However the wedding planning process has made me grateful I am not the bride. The venue, the cake and all the hassle!

Don’t get me wrong I will be thrilled when he finally pops the question! I will gladly say yes, slide that big rock on my finger and post the same obnoxious Facebook photos that are currently sending me into a panic attack!! Can someone grab me a Xanax please!?!

But for now I’m perfectly content to continue slowly weening myself off my party girl ways and planning vacations rather than weddings. That said… Congrats to all my beautiful friends!!!

What Girls REALLY Want From Santa

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Diamonds are a girls best friend and everyone thinks that’s what a girl wants to find under the tree. But believe me finding a calorie free bottle of wine in your stocking would be just as exciting. If saying these things out loud wouldn’t be totally mortifying we’d be lining up to sit on Santa’s lap but for now we will continue to snail mail our list to the North Pole.

1. Calorie free foods. There are a list of foods we would all love to eat (or drink) to our hearts content. Pasta, all things chocolate, wine and pizza. I would trade a diamond necklace for an endless supply of calorie (aka guilt free wine and pasta.) We would all
Be less “hangry” (anger caused by hunger) if we weren’t always calorie counting.

2. A hot bod. It would be great if Santa could send a little magic our way and turn these B’s into C’s with out a nip and a tuck. Or a flat stomach without hours of gym time or depriving ourselves of anything containing sugar. If only Santa.

3. A No Fade Tan. An everlasting summer glow would be amazing. No more freezing cold spray tans or sweating it out while lying in a tanning bed. Tanning is only fun when you’re laying on a beach or by the pool with a cocktail. No more expensive smelly lotions just a gorgeous glow!

4. A pair of gorgeous stiletto heels that don’t completely murder your feet. There is nothing more depressing than buying a beautiful new pair of heels that you wear once and then you’re plagued with blisters for weeks. Dear Santa, could you please leave a pair of pain free stilettos under the tree for me? Thanks.

5. They say money can’t buy happiness….but it sure can help! It doesn’t grow on trees but we all wish it did. I know nothing cheers me up like doing a little online shopping with a glass of wine after work. It would be great if Santa could plant one of those money trees in my back yard…insurance doesn’t cover retail therapy!

6. More good sex. Need I say more? Is that too much to ask? I will say I’m
Not sure how Santa could bring that down the chimney but a girl can dream right?

7. An extra day in the weekend. There should be an 8 day week. There needs to be a day between Saturday and Sunday! There is not enough time to get everything done and relax!! (Or we can have a four day work week and make Friday the beginning of the weekend) Can Santa call the president about this?

8. A pain free period. An entire week of bloating and cramps. Nobody likes it or wants it. If it’s gotta happen could Santa please alleviate some of the obnoxious symptoms that ruin our week? Until Santa can find a cure …more midol in our stocking please.

9. We truly wish we could ask Santa to add all our favorite shows to Netflix. What possible explanation could Netflix have for excluding The O.C. From it’s repertoire. Dear Santa I’ve been a very good girl! Please make Netflix add it…we need our Adam Brody fix!

10. For all the haters in your life too..poof…disappear! I mean who needs all that irritation anyway. Life’s too short… They can go ahead and exit yours …immediately! Santa these bitches need to immediately go on your naught list.

So next time you’re struggling to find a present for your girl try inventing calorie free wine…or pasta…or chocolate. She’s gonna love it!

Photo credit: http://h30499.www3.hp.com/t5/IT-Service-Management-Blog/Dear-Santa-Making-a-list-and-checking-it-twice-is-EASY-with-CMS/ba-p/6311073 via google images

The Great New Year’s Eve Complex

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Nothing gets me into the holiday spirit like the Chrismukkah episode of the The O.C. Of course since it’s one of my all time favorite shows, breaking out this one festive episode almost always leads to binge watching all the way through Chismukkah if season two. Another seasonal episode I love watch and to hate is “The Countdown”. This New Year’s Eve episode imparted wisdom that would haunt me for years to come. The theme of the episode…”the way you spend your New Years is how you’re going to spend the rest of your year.”

Wait what!?! Who the hell decided that?? Thanks for that gem! This leads me to ponder oh so many terrifying questions! These words have literally haunted me since I was 14…ten years later I now have a slightly tighter grasp on reality. But I’m still left with a few grappling questions!

How literally are we supposed to take this? I mean is it symbolic? I’m not
Going to spend my entire year like I spent my New Years, literally. I mean as much as I would love to spend a year going to parties, wearing a sequined dress and way too much glitter eye liner while constantly popping champagne…that’s just not realistic.

Are you supposed to take it situationally?? Like for example…if someone spends NYE fighting with their significant other, does that mean their relationship is facing impending doom in the upcoming year? Or if they share a romantic kiss at midnight their destined for a year of romance? Or what if you’re the drunk single girl
At the bar and you find yourself lip locking with a random when the clock strokes 12…is your fate to be the slutty single girl for yet another year?! Say it ain’t so!

If this is true what’s the point of New Years resolutions anyway?? So much for the whole fresh start concept! You better set down that crab cake and pick up a carrot stick at the party because if your resolution is weight loss if you wait till the first to turn over that new leaf you’ll be screwed. In fact you probably should have started your resolution like two weeks ago.

In the past ten years I’ve time and time again proved this theory wrong. In fact from one year to the next I went from being a drunk single college girl on New Years, to a classy woman clinking champagne glasses and sharing a kiss with my boyfriend at midnight…the only think that those NYE had in common was the excessive amount of sequins I will never be too old to sport.

No matter how old I get or how many times I prove the theory to be false the words of Summer Roberts will always linger in the back of my mind…(paraphrased anyway…I love the show but I don’t have every line memorized) “Coop you can’t stay in! How you spend your New Years is how you’re going to spend the rest of the year!!” Dear Summer Thank you for inflicting this paralyzing New Year’s Eve complex on millions of girls that will take years of intense therapy to shake! And on that optimistic note…cheers to a fabulous new year!

Photo courtesy of: tvmegasite.net via google images

Funny Things About Chronic Illness

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So I have Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome (CVS)…which basically means I just start puking any where, any time for no apparent reason. It’s awesome. Now I’m not one of those people who makes a Facebook status about my illness like “puked four times today wahhh CVS sucks” because frankly it’s gross and I don’t want that kind of attention. Sympathy makes me uncomfortable, I get so awkward. For the most part I generally try to ignore it, I don’t talk about it unless I have to but in the past year I have learned to find my lovely illness rather comical.

1. There is nothing I love more than getting all dolled up for a night out on the town with my man and having the night end with me voming in the restaurant parking lot while he holds my hair. Sexy. There is no bigger turn on for a guy than helping his girl clean the puke off her shoes at the end of the night. That said I’ve really come to appreciate his strong stomach, if my dad even hears that I’m sick he’s dry heaving in a corner somewhere. I also appreciate that my boyfriend continues on with the evening like nothing disgusting has taken place, he will even still kiss me after…ignoring the slight hint of puke that lingers, now that’s love.

2. The doctors are a real treat as well. It took months of different doctor’s and tests before they were able to “diagnose” me. Apparently if you’re a twenty something female with stomach issues then you must be pregnant. Really? You don’t think I would have noticed by now? Or perhaps the last four doctor’s I saw who also made me pee in a cup to make absolutely certain I’m not pregnant. Wouldn’t they have caught that already? But nooo we’re going to do it again just to be sure. Oh it came back negative? Well I’m shocked. Now can we actually try to solve the problem.??

3. Weight loss. It was the one pleasant side affect of my illness. I went from an 8 to a 2 in about 8 months. Now when I go to the doctor and they put me on the scale, the number that appears no longer horrifies me. And yet it horrified my doctors. Every time I came in they took note of how much weight I’d lost in between visits and they were greatly concerned. Sure it probably wasn’t normal or healthy that I was losing weight rapidly but whatever. I wanted the vomiting and public humiliation to stop but I didn’t mind the weight loss. I felt like asking them to get back to the real problem.

4. I’m a weakling. I no longer have any muscle to speak of. Before my illness I was in pretty good shape, I ran three miles a day. Now the treadmill just sits there. Mocking me. Now I get on the treadmill and after five minutes I think I’m going to die, literally. I’ll be honest it’s a rarity, so much so that after about fifteen min one of my sisters said “should we check on Trish?” Because no one would be shocked if I passed out from exhaustion. And died. Fitness seems completely unattainable. I mean I’d just like to do normal things with ease again. Filling a pot with water and moving it a foot back to the stove with out my arms shaking and feeling exasperated would be nice. **sigh** maybe someday.

5. There is nothing more awkward than throwing up in a public bathroom. I’m pretty sure half the women in my office think I’m either pregnant, bulimic, or chronically hung over. Sometimes I wonder what the person in the next stall is thinking. I would be judging if I heard me. I’d be thinking Omg she came to work hung over again?? I also feel bad because if I were them I’d be totally grossed out. I’d just like to take a moment and apologize to anyone who has ever had the unfortunate experience of listening to me vomit in a public bathroom. Or seeing me on the side of the road. Yeah, it happens.

6. I also love it when my family and friends who are aware of my situation make comments. Nothing makes me happier than when someone asks me if I’m feeling ok because I look like I’m feeling sick. Actually I feel perfectly fine but thanks for letting me know I actually look like crap. Sweet. And when I do feel sick and have to go out and deal with the world I’ve just started piling on the make up. I’ve found if I have enough make up on when I’m feeling horrible it hides that pale death warmed over look I get. I’m
Chronically gorgeous, obviously. But no one is worse than my sisters. While my mom and sisters are counting calories and I’m enjoying another cookie they bitterly say things like “well she can eat whatever she wants, she’s just gonna throw it up anyway.” Thanks guys….jealous much? There are times when I’m forced to explain my situation to people and my dad will chime in with “she’s bulimic” and everyone thinks it’s hilarious, while the person I’m trying to explain it too looks horrified and confused. So supportive.

7. My sister is the ultimate fit girl. She began her fitness journey about the same time I started getting sick. Her change in diet and commitment to working out have paid off. She has a rocking bod. We were both losing weight and getting compliments. I could tell she was totally perturbed because I hadn’t earned my new body. I didn’t spend hours on the treadmill sweating it out for those compliments. And I’m over here like ummm…excuse me? Vomiting is an excellent ab work out…Jeeze. The other difference is she’s toned and in shape and I’m basically a skinny fat kid. My bestie will call me and complain about going to the gym and wanting to eat pasta. She will joke she wants to get skinny with out having to work out and eat anything wants, to which I always reply, oh ya but do you really want to throw up at a moments notice and be so sick somedays all you want to do is lay in bed but you don’t even wanna watch netflix because you’re too busy dying? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

So next time you’re hating life because you have the flu just be glad at some point you will get better. And remember nothing says date night like a little vomit.

Office Etiquette 101

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It’s absolutely astonishing to me how many women don’t know, what I refer to as, proper office etiquette. I’m not talking refill the ice trays or if the coffee is low make a new pot…that’s just common courtesy and a rant for another day. I’m referring to the office faux pas I see on a daily basis that are lacking in professionalism and just common sense ladies!

1. You’re at the office not the club. Pairing the red bandage dress you bought at forever 21 with a suit jacket does not make it appropriate office attire. So what…you threw on a jacket…the dress still barely covers your lady business and the stripper heels are not helping. You look like a baby prostitute and we’re all judging. No matter how many people tell you that you look cute, it’s not okay. If you want to know how to put an outfit together that you can transition from work to a night out pick up an issue of Cosmo! Please, I beg you! You can look sexy and classy at the office I promise!

2. Chit-Chat. Keep it PG. I’m going to let you in on a little secret when you’re talking to each other through cubicle walls it is not a private conversation. We can ALL hear you! And if we can hear you, so can your boss. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to hear about the walk of shame you did on Sunday morning.
Note: if you’re going to complain about a co-worker or your boss, don’t do it via office email and don’t do it during office hours! You will get caught!! Complaining is what happy hour is for!!!

3. Office Gossip. It’s a slippery slope. As I mentioned office conversations are rarely as private as you think. And there is a fine line between what’s appropriate to tell a co-worker and what you should only share with a close friend. Sure from time to time you find a co-worker who you click with enough to text and go to happy hour with but that’s rare. Most coworkers are being polite and making small talk to get through the day, not asking for the intimate details of your life. For example, when a co-worker asks how your weekend was, it is not appropriate to share the symptoms of the possible STD you may or may not have contracted. Not okay!!! Which brings me to my next point, you are not sharing a secret with a friend. When you’ve told multiple people personal details of your life you better believe you have just told the entire office! Whoever said secrets don’t make friends was dead wrong…the fastest way to make a friend out of a co-worker so sharing a juicy piece of gossip! It sure helps get you through a monotonous work day!

4. If you can’t handle your alcohol don’t order a margarita on your lunch. Enough said. The fact that I even have to say that is concerning on so may levels. If you can’t do your work everyone will hate you.

5. Don’t get wild at the holiday party. Don’t be that girl…at least not at the office! Getting too drunk at the holiday will definitely make you memorable but for all the wrong reasons! A year will pass and you will think everyone has forgotten about your not so classy performance at last years party…and then someone brings up…remember when you tripped and fell in your dress and six inch heels after one two many dirty martinis? Yeah. (Actually you probably don’t remember) But Thanks for bringing that up!

Just a few gems from one business woman to another! Keep it classy…at least while you’re at the office!

Pinterest: Bored House Wife Porn

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Pinterest is addicting. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve stayed up way passed my bedtime feeding my Pinterest addiction…it’s like crack. But let’s be honest how often do we actually use the stuff we pin?! You know we’ve all pinned the DIY mason jar soap dispenser…are you actually going to make that..probably not…but you like to pretend you’re crafty.

That’s the other thing I am not crafty…I have a board called DIY/crafty…I’m like 98% sure I’ve never actually made anything on that board. But hey if I ever feel inspired, or need to make something, or find myself with a copious amount of time on my hands…I can rest easy knowing I’ve pinned it.

There are two things I will admit to legitimately using Pinterest for…it’s been my shopping inspiration….I can thank Pinterest for my desperate need to go out and buy an Aztec print sweater (which I did and it’s adorable). It gave me the courage to go buy a statement necklace knowing I’ve pinned about 50 outfits to pair it with and another 50 different ways to wear it. So basically Pinterest is the reason for that dent in my pink Michael Kors wallet, (which I’ve also pinned on Pinterest and probably captioned “love my MK wallet”).

My boyfriend has grown not only to accept my Pinning but to love it, because the second thing l use it for is recipes. I did not cook and never cared to until Pinterest came along, now I’m making everything from cookies to lasagna and I’m proud of it. So proud in fact that most of the time I Instagram it. “Freshly baked cookies for my babe” #pinterestsuccess …yes, I’m that girl…stop judging…you know you’ve done it too!

And then there are those who take Pinterest to a whole new level of obsessed, they pin like it’s their job, (probably because they don’t have one) they are the bored housewives of America. They are the women who make the rest of a us feel wildly inadequate. The women who pin things to their craft bored and then actually complete them…bitches.
They are the moms who hand make birthday invitations, and they are not just invites. They take paper, string and some buttons and make that invitation into a sail boat for god sake.
They are the women who have themed parties and when you ask where they bought the cute little cupcake toppers they say “oh I made it from Pinterest” …silly you, expecting an answer like Party City.
The same women who Instagram the baked potato soup they made on a whim because it’s a cold winter afternoon. They saw it on Pinterest and didn’t have anything better to do and the soup turned out perfectly…obviously. And you’re just a tad jealous because you saw this post while scrolling through your news feed and eating Kraft Mac N Cheese. You’re response to their unattainable perfection?…”where’s my wine!?”
These are the wives who are making cake pops for their husbands office potluck, while the rest of us rip open a bag of Oreo’s and dump them on a red plate…festive right? I thought so. Because who has time to bake for a work…you’re not getting paid enough for that.

While it may sound as if I’m passing judgement (and maybe I am, just a tad) it’s only because I’m not crafty and I can barely cook…I will never be able to live up to the Pinterest standards of the bored housewives of America…but for those random times I do, you can bet I’m going to Instagram it.