Funny Things About Chronic Illness

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So I have Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome (CVS)…which basically means I just start puking any where, any time for no apparent reason. It’s awesome. Now I’m not one of those people who makes a Facebook status about my illness like “puked four times today wahhh CVS sucks” because frankly it’s gross and I don’t want that kind of attention. Sympathy makes me uncomfortable, I get so awkward. For the most part I generally try to ignore it, I don’t talk about it unless I have to but in the past year I have learned to find my lovely illness rather comical.

1. There is nothing I love more than getting all dolled up for a night out on the town with my man and having the night end with me voming in the restaurant parking lot while he holds my hair. Sexy. There is no bigger turn on for a guy than helping his girl clean the puke off her shoes at the end of the night. That said I’ve really come to appreciate his strong stomach, if my dad even hears that I’m sick he’s dry heaving in a corner somewhere. I also appreciate that my boyfriend continues on with the evening like nothing disgusting has taken place, he will even still kiss me after…ignoring the slight hint of puke that lingers, now that’s love.

2. The doctors are a real treat as well. It took months of different doctor’s and tests before they were able to “diagnose” me. Apparently if you’re a twenty something female with stomach issues then you must be pregnant. Really? You don’t think I would have noticed by now? Or perhaps the last four doctor’s I saw who also made me pee in a cup to make absolutely certain I’m not pregnant. Wouldn’t they have caught that already? But nooo we’re going to do it again just to be sure. Oh it came back negative? Well I’m shocked. Now can we actually try to solve the problem.??

3. Weight loss. It was the one pleasant side affect of my illness. I went from an 8 to a 2 in about 8 months. Now when I go to the doctor and they put me on the scale, the number that appears no longer horrifies me. And yet it horrified my doctors. Every time I came in they took note of how much weight I’d lost in between visits and they were greatly concerned. Sure it probably wasn’t normal or healthy that I was losing weight rapidly but whatever. I wanted the vomiting and public humiliation to stop but I didn’t mind the weight loss. I felt like asking them to get back to the real problem.

4. I’m a weakling. I no longer have any muscle to speak of. Before my illness I was in pretty good shape, I ran three miles a day. Now the treadmill just sits there. Mocking me. Now I get on the treadmill and after five minutes I think I’m going to die, literally. I’ll be honest it’s a rarity, so much so that after about fifteen min one of my sisters said “should we check on Trish?” Because no one would be shocked if I passed out from exhaustion. And died. Fitness seems completely unattainable. I mean I’d just like to do normal things with ease again. Filling a pot with water and moving it a foot back to the stove with out my arms shaking and feeling exasperated would be nice. **sigh** maybe someday.

5. There is nothing more awkward than throwing up in a public bathroom. I’m pretty sure half the women in my office think I’m either pregnant, bulimic, or chronically hung over. Sometimes I wonder what the person in the next stall is thinking. I would be judging if I heard me. I’d be thinking Omg she came to work hung over again?? I also feel bad because if I were them I’d be totally grossed out. I’d just like to take a moment and apologize to anyone who has ever had the unfortunate experience of listening to me vomit in a public bathroom. Or seeing me on the side of the road. Yeah, it happens.

6. I also love it when my family and friends who are aware of my situation make comments. Nothing makes me happier than when someone asks me if I’m feeling ok because I look like I’m feeling sick. Actually I feel perfectly fine but thanks for letting me know I actually look like crap. Sweet. And when I do feel sick and have to go out and deal with the world I’ve just started piling on the make up. I’ve found if I have enough make up on when I’m feeling horrible it hides that pale death warmed over look I get. I’m
Chronically gorgeous, obviously. But no one is worse than my sisters. While my mom and sisters are counting calories and I’m enjoying another cookie they bitterly say things like “well she can eat whatever she wants, she’s just gonna throw it up anyway.” Thanks guys….jealous much? There are times when I’m forced to explain my situation to people and my dad will chime in with “she’s bulimic” and everyone thinks it’s hilarious, while the person I’m trying to explain it too looks horrified and confused. So supportive.

7. My sister is the ultimate fit girl. She began her fitness journey about the same time I started getting sick. Her change in diet and commitment to working out have paid off. She has a rocking bod. We were both losing weight and getting compliments. I could tell she was totally perturbed because I hadn’t earned my new body. I didn’t spend hours on the treadmill sweating it out for those compliments. And I’m over here like ummm…excuse me? Vomiting is an excellent ab work out…Jeeze. The other difference is she’s toned and in shape and I’m basically a skinny fat kid. My bestie will call me and complain about going to the gym and wanting to eat pasta. She will joke she wants to get skinny with out having to work out and eat anything wants, to which I always reply, oh ya but do you really want to throw up at a moments notice and be so sick somedays all you want to do is lay in bed but you don’t even wanna watch netflix because you’re too busy dying? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

So next time you’re hating life because you have the flu just be glad at some point you will get better. And remember nothing says date night like a little vomit.

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