10 First World Girl Problems

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Omg why is this happening…you know you’ve uttered those words dramatically as you’ve faced a problem that feels like the absolute end of the world. We’re drama queens and we own it, the world just might end of we don’t get our soy latte this morning. While it may seem insane to people who are struggling with real issues…let’s say hunger for example…these are first world probs we’ve all treated as if they are as serious as the spread of Ebola.

1. When Apple came out with the new IPhone charger for the 5. We’re they just trying to screw with us? There was a comfort in knowing no matter whose house you were at there was going to be a cord to charge you’re phone with. Because let’s be honest whether it was a first generation iPod or the iPhone, everyone owns at least one apple product. Now we have to carry a charger with us wherever we go, because being at risk of your phone dying is simply not an option.

2. Not all hotel rooms have hair dryers…WHAT!?!? Now I know you’re probably asking yourself “what kind of cheap ass hotel did she stay in”…it was a suite at the Hard Rock hotel in San Diego. This is not a fluke thing, I’ve stayed at several hotels that we’re lacking in the hair dryer department. It was so nice knowing it was one less thing I had to pack. Instead I show up at my suite, shower to go out and I’m stuck with wet hair…do you know how long hair takes to air dry!?!? And then it doesn’t style the same way…this is a freakin’ crisis people! So now I’m left packing a hair dryer every time I go on vacation to avoid this catastrophe. And a hair dryer takes up a lot of room in the over crowded suitcase my boyfriend is judging me for…which brings me to my next point.

3. Packing. It’s a crisis all it’s own. I’m physically incapable of not overpacking. I pack a full size suitcase for a weekend getaway. I need an outfit and shoes for any situation I may find myself in. And I don’t believe in travel size products. I’m not going to go pay 8 bucks for the mini can of Bed Head hairspray when I have a perfectly good full size can right here, it’s coming with me. I need what I need and I’ve just become used to the feeling of shame that comes over me when my boyfriend gives me a look of disgust when he sees my suitcase. And then he always seems slightly perturbed that he then has to lug my excessive suitcase up to the hotel room, when we’re only going out of town for the weekend. To which I simply say ..”you knew I was high maintenance when you met me”…and look out, coz now the hair dryer is coming too so that suitcase just got a little heavier babe! #sorrynotsorry

4. Stepping into Starbucks should be the best part of your day, but two very key things can go wrong…causing you great pain in a place that is supposed to be filled with joy.
FWP #1: you walk up to the counter, you order your Sugar-Free Vanilla Latte and they tell you they are out of sugar free vanilla syrup. Your eyes flash over the menu In a panic and think what the hell am I going to do now!?!? You have ten seconds to ponder before you feel anxiety about holding up the line!! Do you go to the gym for an extra 30 min cuz you drank the vanilla latte full of fat and sugar. What do you do?? It’s a day ruiner Starbucks, thanks. All I wanted was the sugar free vanilla but no and now I’m wracked with guilt over all the calories I’ve consumed.
FWP #2: You’re feeling festive, you’ve ordered a Grande Non-Fat, no whip, Peppermint Mocha, the barista calls out your name , you take a sip…and you taste whole milk and whipped cream. WHYYY!?!? You check the cup, it says right there, NF in the milk box! And then in other box WC with a big line through it…why the hell do you bother to write it down if you’re not going to read it! On the inside you’re livid, but still you stand there and wonder if you’re really going to be the bitch who tells them to remake your drink. They always are so nice and tell you they will remake anything but you know if you do they will hate you…forever (you would hate you too) and you can’t have that because you’re here three times a week. So you leave feeling sad …and fat because you know you’re going to drink it anyway!. #FML

5. When Netflix takes away a show. Ummm…didn’t you know I was watching that?? They took away Mean Girls…sure I own it but I liked knowing I could watch it whenever! And KUWTK isn’t on there anymore. I went to relive the magic of Kim K and Reggie Bush but noooo….who makes these ridiculous decisions Netflix??? That person should be fired. You could watch a show anytime, anywhere and now it’s just gone?!? And you can judge my guilty pleasure shows all you want but you know it’s happened to you and that you reacted like your civil rights had just been violated.

6. Your make-up has been discontinued. It took you FOREVER to find the perfect shade of MAC lipstick, you go into the store, you ask for help and they tell you it’s been moved to the back because it’s been discontinued. Suddenly you’re stockpiling like its 1999. Do they know how long it took you to find the perfect shade of red. It was red enough to make a statement with out making you look like a whore! You’d just gotten all attached and now MAC is breaking up with you. Or even worse you go into Target looking for the Cover Girl foundation you’ve been using since you were 15. It matches perfectly and there is a perfect shade for after you’ve been tanning too. And it’s just GONE! Can they even do that????? They no longer carry it. You’ve been in a codependent relationship with Cover Girl for 10 years and they are screwing you over. It’s wrong.

7. It’s a phenomenon we’ve all dealt with, a 30 min shower and half a bottle of Skintimate you’re legs are perfectly shaved, all soft and smooth. It was a lot of work but you’re proud of your accomplishment. You step one foot out of the shower and then it happens… Goosebumps… Why God Why!? All that effort and shaving cream for nothing, the prickles are
Back….fail. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

8. You and your girl are having a wine night in. You polish off the bottle, you open the fridge to find there’s no more wine. You drank two bottles already? But the night is young! You knew better this has happened before, you tell yourself you don’t need the third bottle …you always do. In fact you should probably spring for a box next time at the rate your going but what do you do now?? You can’t drive, calling a cab would be a level of alcoholism you won’t admit to ( though you’ve thought about it). So you rummage through the fridge find some beer and pout because you wanted wine. The moral of this story is BevMo should deliver like Dominos. They would make a killing.

9. Pandora only let’s you skip so many songs. Why do you care how many songs I skip pandora? It’s not my fault you played a bunch of songs that sucked or that I didn’t want to listen to? Why should I be penalized?? It’s rude! I told you what I liked when I pick the station. Now I’m forced to find a new station or suffer though more of your poor choices. For what reason, idk?!

10. You’ve done all you’re face make up, foundation, powder, bronzer, blush…the works. You’re skin is looking flawless, you go to apply mascara and boom. You had some sort of spasm that caused you to touch your cheek with the tip of the mascara and now there is big black smudge blemishing you’re formerly perfect face. A wave of panic comes over you, if you don’t handle this correctly you’ll make it worse and then you’re going to have to break out the make up wipes and start all over. You’re morning is ruined, you’re now going to be late for work because odds are you’re doing to re-do you’re entire face thanks to one slip up with the mascara brush. Great.

You know you’ve been dramatic at least once over all these lovely first world problems were plagued with on a daily basis. And I pretty much guarantee that there will be a part two when I find more shallow, inane things to complain about.

5 Reasons You Don’t Need to have it Together by 25

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With 25 looming I’m finally starting to understand Jessica Simpson’s infamous newlyweds quote…(in her whiney baby voice) “I’m almost 23, which is almost 25 which is almost mid twenties”…while her meltdown over being soooo old at 23 and fear of approaching 25 seemed insane, with my 25th birthday only six months away I’m about ready to start breathing into a paper bag.

Remember when you were a kid thinking 25 was a legitimate grown up? I thought I’d be married and successful ,at whatever my dream job was at the time, possibly with a kid on the way….basically I thought I’d have my sh*t together….I was wrong.

Instead, most of us find ourselves moving back in with our parents after college and working a job far from what we dreamed of just to pay the bills. And even if you’re in a relationship you’re probably not ready to get married and start popping out babies…and maybe that’s okay!

1. Times have changed. Most people don’t marry their high school sweet heart and start a family right away these days. Women are not just housewives and baby factories anymore. We’re college educated, career oriented, pindependent women! Who needs a man! We’re a generation influenced by Beyoncé!

2. We no longer want to settle. Most of us are out there looking for our own Mr. Big! Why settle for anything less than the man of your dreams. It’s now socially acceptable to put yourself and your career first, and it love interferes then it’s just not meant to be and we’re cool with it.

3. 30 is the new 20. Kim K made turning 30 sexy and Fun! 30 is no longer associated with mom jeans and post baby weight. It’s martins and designer bags all the way! If you can still be awesome at 30…doesn’t that mean we have another 5 years before we need to get it together?? Cheers to that.

4. It’s a money saver. So ya graduated and moved back in with your parents? Nothing makes you feel less grown up than your mom cooking your meals and asking what time you’re going to be home. On the bright side living at home saves money. While you’re working your way up to being the career woman you planned to be, you can save a little money by moving back in with good old mom and dad. You might as well save up while waiting for Mr. Right. You wouldn’t want to get married and have to move back into your parents basement…right? …Right.

5. Waiting till after you’re 25 to get your life together Gives you time to learn valuable Life lessons…like tequila shots are not your friend, your metabolism is no longer fast enough to process Taco Bell three times a week, and dating a bad boy is not as glamorous as it seems.

As long as you’re no longer binge drinking 4 nights a week, you no longer shop at Forever 21 regularly, and there is a part of your wardrobe you refer to as your “work clothes” you are as together as any 25 year old needs to be.

10 Reasons Girls Love Football

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I don’t know about you but I am a huge football fan!! It’s the best part of fall! Food, beer, and men in tight pants…what’s not to love?

1. It’s Sexy. No guy can resist a hot girl who wants to drink a beer and watch the game. And if she understands the game…it’s a huge turn on! [Note: there is a fine line between being able to HANG with the guys and being ONE of the guys]
HOT: Shouting obscenities at the ref after a bad call with the guys.
NOT: Having a belching contest with guys during halftime…can you say friend zone??

2. The Food. It’s a smorgasbord of deliciousness. Pizza rolls, hot dogs, chips and dip. It’s a socially acceptable excuse to pig out. Check your diet at the door…and maybe put in some extra gym time because there is no salad allowed during the game.

3. We do it for the drinks. Football is an excuse to partake in some serious day drinking. Whether you care about what’s going on in the game or not, football is just not football with out a beer in hand. [Pro tip: if the game starts early I like to warm up with a mimosa or a Bloody Mary]

4. Football Pants. Erick Decker in tight white pants…need is say more??? #HOT

5. It’s a great excuse to get all of your friends together and have a good time. Even if you invite your friends who aren’t into football too …it’s just like a party where the TV is on! Give them a beer and some snacks and they will be good to go…Who doesn’t love chips and dip??

6. The outfits…nothing is more adorable than wearing your teams jersey! It’s perfect for a cute pre-game selfie. #gametime…Instagram you are welcome!

7. Fantasy football is not
Just for Guys! It’s fun and easy! And it makes watching the games on TV even more exciting because you have something riding on the outcome! There is nothing like screaming at the TV!

8. Bragging rights…there is nothing more fun that taking your besties team down during Monday night foot ball! Care to make a wager??

9. Single? Grab your girls and go watch the game at a bar… Remember when I told you guys like a girl who knows her football…I wasn’t kidding! Try me!

10. It’s a family friendly activity…why do you think everyone watches
Football on thanksgiving…that and you can start drinking at noon to cope with any awkward family drama with out anyone judging.

Thank you football!

10 Reasons Basic is the New Bad

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This whole basic bitch thing has gone so far that it’s starting to lose it’s negative connotation.
Urban Dictionary describes a basic bitch as; “an bum-ass woman who thinks she’s the shit but she really ain’t”. Since Lil Duval coined the term basic bitch the definition of basic has evolved. “Basic” has been defined by Urban Dictionary as “an adjective describing any person, place, behavior or dress that is obscenely obvious”. Before the term basic took on a life of it’s own my “basic white girl” understanding of it was unoriginal, lacking style, and if it was used to describe a person…that person was doing a whole lot of nothing with their life. Now common things everyone likes are suddenly uncool because they are basic and bow I’m kind of ok with my basic-ness.

1. The infamous Pumpkin Spice Latte – ok we get it everyone likes it…because it’s delicious…not because were not original enough to order something else….enough said.

2. Ugg boots…they are cute, comfy and trendy. And hell I even made the trend my own by rocking coral uggs. So now you’re trying to tell me it’s basic and uncool to follow trends…aren’t we kind of contradicting ourselves here…I think so!

3. Lauren Conrad is famous for her basic bitchiness. Last time I checked it wasn’t standard for teen girls to star in a reality TV show in high school and then create there own fashion line, becoming a style icon…should I go on?

4. I read in the latest issue of Cosmo that liking New Years Eve makes you basic. It’s a national holiday, a fresh start, and an excuse to wear an excessive amount of sequins! What wrong with that!? (However if you say you’re resolution is to lose weight, then you’re basic…that’s so unoriginal come on.)

4. This brings me to my next point even Cosmo is rebelling against negativity surrounding being a basic bitch…isn’t Cosmo like the girl code bible!? In my opinion they are about two seconds from giving all of us basic bitches the fun, fearless, female award! Just sayin’.

5. PINK…Girls like it because it’s comfy, guys like it because there is nothing like a booty in yoga pants. They have a style and color for any mood you’re in from sporty to sparkly. Dear Basic Bitch police please stop messing with the system. The VS Pink line is a crowd pleaser!

6. I now live in fear of all my favorite things becoming basic…. If Michael Kors is referred to as basic I will hunt that person down.

7. Ordering a Cosmo… Apparently ordering one let’s your bartender know you’re basic. I’m pretty sure Carrie Bradshaw would disagree…I rest my case.

8. Pretty much all good TV shows …from Sex and the City to the Real World…now this is just getting ridiculous people. If you say you don’t like trashy TV you’re lying to yourself and everyone else and that’s all there is to it. Admit it even if you think you’re the baddest most original bitch out there you still love a good Gilmore Girls episode or you’ve committed a piece of Carrie Bradshaw’s sage love advice to memory. Even if you say you only watch KUWTK to Kim then you’re just as guilty and basic as the rest of us!

9. Names…really…were at fault for our parents poor choices?? I now shed a tear for all girls named Ashley because they were cursed from birth with the title of basic bitch. Does anyone else think this is a little much? Just me? Ok then.

10. And finally the infamous mess bun. The once cute, chic go to look that said I’m absolutely adorable with out trying has now been added to the constantly growing list of things that make us basic.

All things considered if these make me basic than I don’t wanna be bad!

10 Things that Suck about friends becoming Moms

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We are at that awkward age…our mid twenties. Which means half our friends are getting married and having babies and then the other half is still participating in “Thirsty Thursday” even though they have a “Grown Up Job” and have to battle an early morning hang over.
It seems like just when we’ve paid off the awful bridesmaid’s dress on our credit card, were charging a diaper genie for the baby shower. And then when you think you couldn’t have any less in common with your bestie (she used to shoot tequila with you and now she’s drinking kale smoothing and popping prenatal vitamins) she pops out the little bundle of joy and things that are far more annoying…

1. Insta-excess. We get it, your baby is adorable, but 7 posts a day is a little much. It’s a one month old – how much could he/she possibly be doing.

2. The profile pic of you and your girl clinking glasses at her wedding reception has been replaced by yet another photo of the baby. Not her AND the baby, ONLY the baby. I’m sorry I thought this was your page – not your newborns….like, why?!?

3. The Judgement. The girl who once used to be famous for getting too hammered and taking her top off at parties is now passing judgement on your life choices. Last time I checked enjoying the single life at 25 is not a crime, just ask Carrie Brashaw.

4. Mommy & Me. That’s it you have been replaced by the same group of women you used to cringe at together while grabbing non-fat Vanilla Lattes before your shopping date…the dreaded mommy and me play group. You just don’t get her anymore.

5. The feeling is mutual. Complaining to her about how you got drunk and slept with your ex is just not the same…you used to share a bottle of wine while you complained…now you have to watch her breast feed.

6. You’re now a free babysitter. Your girl calls you up saying she really needs a night out. It’s been months with out a girls night out, you’re ready to put the Champagne on Ice and breakout your leather pants…she asks you to babysit.

7. Possibly even worse than the new mom who thinks a good time is eating cookies in her sweats while the baby naps is the friend who thinks nothing has changed. She wants to go out and get wild wearing the mini dress she bought pre-baby while still rocking the post baby weight…how do you tell her this night isn’t going to end well?

8. Let’s bring the baby! While it may sound like a good idea at first, it usually ends up with a screaming baby and your bestie pulling her boob out in the middle of the Cheesecake Factory, as you drink your Peach Bellini and reminisce about the time she showed her boobs in public…for free shots…not milk.

9. You own mom…upon seeing he arrival of your friends babies your mom suddenly feels the need to remind you that “your clock is ticking” and the not so subtle hints that she’d like to be a grandma. Thanks mom, your right if Jessica had a baby I should too…and I suppose if she jumped off a cliff you’d expect me to follow? NO.

10. In a last ditch effort to connect with you your bestie asks…”Don’t you want this someday?” ….as she is covered in spit up you don’t have the heart to tell her, no at the moment you find throwing on a Sparkly Mini and going to Nobu for dinner and drinks with the other misfits who haven’t manage to snag a man and get knocked up far more appealing.