WTF Moments:Giving Pretty Girls Wrinkles by 30

 

 Today was one of those days…I’ve come to the realization that because of days like today I will need Botox by the time I’m 30. A very tiny thin barely noticeable line has appeared and made itself at home on my forehead. 

You know how they say resting bitch face keeps you pretty? It’s true. I have chronic resting bitch face…a disease which I’ve come to accept. Unfortunately, my next most common face is the eye brow raise…. You know the face…caused by what I like to call “WTF moments” …you know the ones caused by stupidity or excessivness and followed by the phrase, “I can’t!”….yeah, with each eye-brow raise this f**king wrinkle becomes more deeply engraved on my forehead and I blame stupid, excessive  people.

Here are my top five reasons why pretty girls need Botox by 30….

1. Co-workers. They are without a doubt my number one reason, I can’t even tell you how many temper tantrums and e-mails cause me to raise my eyebrows each and every day …for extended periods of time. It baffles me the lack of professionalism that is allowed in the work place. I had a co-worker storm out of a meeting and yell “I’m over it”….not one of us knew why, I can’t even tell you how long my eyebrows were raised in utter shock! Or girls who cry hysterically because cause were told they were incorrect or made a mistake….and not just once, Every. Single. Time. I just can’t…but unfortunately my eyebrows can. And then there is that guy…. the guy that hits on you via work email…I just wanna respond….”you know our boss can see this right” …and yes this is sexual harassment…and now the break room is in perpetual state awkwardness and eyebrow raises. So thanks for the wrinkle buddy! 

2. When you check your bank account….either way there is going to be an eye brow raise of epic proportions! It’s either a WTF happy, shocked, I have way more money than I thought and I deserve a treat, eye brow raise or it’s a WTF how did I spend so much money I can’t afford a Starbucks tomorrow morning, eye brow raise. Only like 3% of the time do you actually think “oh ya that’s what I thought” when you look at your bank statement. You can thank your after 3 glasses of wine online shopping addiction for that…you know who you are.

3. When my boyfriend eats my food…I have six siblings, they eat a lot more than I do, this has turned me into a food hoarder…well kinda. My BF makes me dinner and gives the standard boy girl portions…so he has way more then me…and then he has the nerve  to reach over and grab the egg off my salad…OMG….the wrinkle that eyebrow raise gives me is the reason he will be paying for my Botox someday! 

4. Exes….when your ex sends you selfie snapchats asking  how you are…and a few hours later they send you a snuggley snap of them with their new GF…wtf is wrong with you? My eyebrows are permanently stuck in this position because you are clearly a sociopath…weirdo. Then I raise my eyebrows again…so I can ponder why I dated you!                                             And then their is his ex, the jealous ex girl friend who shows up at bars to see what you look like, because yes, you really are that beautiful in person, and then trashes you on her Facebook, calling you things like slut and troll. Sadly, yes, these are also wrinkle causing moments, my eyebrows are raised because she’s a stalker…and then I add to my laugh lines because it’s kind of hilarious.

5. When retail therapy goes wrong. It was one of those days where, your coworkers suck, traffic was horrible, your boyfriend forgot to change your reservation coz you had to work late and you stop by target on your way home…every woman’s happy place. You go in for a bottle of white wine and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s to drown your sorrows. And then you see the most adorable pair of shoes, there is one pair left, they are your size and on sale for 20 bucks. It’s like the shoe sale God’s put them there just for you…so obviously your broke, you don’t get paid for another week…and obviously you need to text your BFF to make sure they are cute enough to buy….and because your day sucks that bitch (and you call her that with so much love) decides to pick now to have a life and not text you back. Whyyyy…so you complain to your boyfriend…and he says “baby you deserve the shoes, you should buy them”. The person who judges the amount you shop the most, just made you feel ok about your purchase…it’s moments like this that remind you why you keep that adorable boy around. Your day is turning around! You check out, and you’re slightly surprised by the total. You glance at the receipt when you get home and notice despite the sale sign you just paid FULL PRICE for those beautiful  on sale, Gift from the Retail God’s shoes….so you raise your eyebrows at that receipt and contemplate what to do next. Then you finally come to the conclusion that you should screw the extra ten bucks and open that bottle of wine…to relax your face muscles obviously….

And that ladies and gents is why I will someday need Botox….what can we take away from this??  We can thank wine for the help until it’s time to get those lovely Botox injections. Did I mention I hate needles??? 

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I Blame Cinderella 



In my opinion these perfect Disney Princess we grew up idolizing, dressing up as for Halloween, and watching on VHS over and over again are where we picked up some of our not so classy habits. And it all started with Cinderella….one thing I can say for sure there was obviously a cocktail hour before the ball that Disney cut out of the movie…

1. Walking home with no shoes. Where did we see it first? Cinderella, glass heels could not have been comfy to dance in. Her feet were hurting, and when that shoe came off, she said f**k it, and walked home barefoot, this is why we think as adults it’s acceptable to walk home shoeless from yhe club, through grimey streets.

2. Tequila makes her shoe’s fall off. How did her shoe come off in the first place? Let’s be honest like the rest of us Cinderella had one too many. If you’re leaving the club with one show, so have you. 

3. He needed her shoe, because he couldn’t remember her face. If your Prince Charming needs your shoe to find you, because after dancing with you all night he still can’t remember your face…then he was obviously blacked out. 

4. And if he thinks going to every girl in town and making them try on your shoe is how he is going to find you, then he probably woke up still drunk. 

5. Who decided all step mothers were evil?? Disney….that’s a little rude. Just coz Cinderella’s step mom was a bitch doesn’t mean they all are. 

6. Cinderella left the ball and woke up looking homeless again….well that’s true, after a night out most of us wake up looking homeless. Well I’ll give you that one Disney. Nailed it. 

7. If you need someone to dress you, that not a fairy godmother….that’s a personal stylist. And normal people don’t have them. Sorry Cinderella.

8. Prince Charming of 2015 doesn’t need your shoe to find you.  He needs Facebook. And thank goodness, because no one is going to go door to door looking for you after just a dance. So here’s to hoping your profile pic looks like you or Prince Charming is going to need help from Nev. 

9. The ugly step sisters: the original mean girls. Cinderella is like a how to for all future mean girls. Name calling, outfit and social destruction. Clearly we have carried the ugly steps sisters around in our subconscious since we were three. 

10. Mice are disease carrying rodents not friends. And man will not rescue you from your problems. And you are not a princess. Sorry Disney.

10 Struggles When You Are Not A Morning Person

There are some things in life I will never understand…one of which being how some people can be so freakin perky first thing in the morning. That is not me, it will never be me, and I loath all who are, at least for a moment. There are a few other things that, before I have my morning coffee, I just can’t ….

1. Break room chit chat. I am all for sharing pleasantries with co-workers. But when I am in the break room awaiting the first pot of coffee to finish brewing at 7am, it is way to early for small talk. If you ask how I am, I am going to say tired. 

2. Morning road rage. It’s a much more silent rage. If someone is tailgating me, cuts me off, or dares to go 65 in the fast lane, I don’t yell or  swear or honk….but rest assured I am silently hating the other with every fiber of my being. 

3. A grunt is an acceptable response. I don’t even open my eyes while a brush my teeth. So if you insist on asking me questions in the morning, expect for your question to be answered in the form of a grunt. If you want a more specific verbal conformation…ask again later. 

4. Morning sex. Fellas….if your girl is not a morning person and it’s your day off but she has to get up for work. Be very careful how you go about getting some morning love. Is it a great way to start your day? Absolutely. But you get to roll over and go back to sleep, while she has to immediately get up and get ready….so try to be understanding if she would rather hit the snooze button then spend those precious few moments enjoying you. 

5. Dutch Bros. I know so many people who love Dutch Bros. I cannot go there in the morning. Their baristas a terrifyingly energetic. They lean out the window till they are practically in your car and they Bounce around like they are on speed. It’s the most overwhelming experience and I just can’t handle it. So Starbucks it is, even if it takes longer. 

6. Morning workouts. No thank you. I applaude anyone who has the ability to jump out of bed and go for a run or hit the gym before work. I am not awake enough to get a quality work out in at the crack of dawn. And if you try and make me, expect whining and complaing that rivals a two year old.

7. Like most people, my phone comes to bed with me because it serves as my alarm clock. I love my friends but I also love my sleep. My morning friends who are up at seven for no apparent reason on a Saturday like to blow up my phone…and I hate them. Saturdays are for sleeping as late as possible. Don’t call me before noon. 

8. I love breakfast food. From cereal, to eggs to pancakes. Brunch is one of my favorite activities. Also having breakfast is one of the best ways to kick start your metabolism and be healthy. Monday through Friday breakfast does not exist to me. Who has time for that? If it’s between ten more min of sleep and eating a bowl of cereal I can’t enjoy because I’m so tired….sleep wins again. And actually trying to cook something? Forget it. 

9. The keurig was clearly invented with us non morning people in mind. I like to warm up with a cup before I hit the Starbucks drive thru. I can make a keurig cup of coffee with my eyes closed. Making coffee old school with the can and the filter and the water and 5 different cupboards where everything is stored….I can’t…and I won’t, thank God for drive thru Starbucks and the keurig.

10. I’d rather stay up later than get up earlier any day. I do anything I can at night to allow me to sleep a little longer. If I could do my hair and make up and night and not wake up looking a hot mess, I would. I shower, dry my hair, lay my clothes out like I’m back in elementary school, just to get that extra five min of sleep. 

Ladies…who do you do it for? 



On the way to work I listened to my favorite morning show, The Wake Up Call, and they debated who women get ready for. Hair, make up, nails, the outfits, who are we putting in all that work for?  Is it for ourselves? For men? Or to gain the approval of other women? 

If I was asked, my immediate answer would probably be for myself. But if I’m being honest it’s probably a little of all three. And I think most women would agree. 

Do we do it for men? Well that definitely wouldn’t be my first answer, my man claims that I’m “beautiful” with no make up, messy hair and sweats. In my opinion he and drake are both full of it with this sweat pants, hair tied, chillin with no make up on nonesense. But because I know he loves me anyway I can’t say I soley put in all the effort for him. I think that women in general put a little extra effort in for men it feels good to be noticed, whether it’s by your boyfriend or the random guy in the elevator. And at least when you’re all done up and you get a compliment you can genuinely accept it…unlike when you wake up with no make up and drool on your cheek and he tells you that you’re beautiful and the moment you face the bathroom mirror you think…well that’s debatable! 

Do we do it for other women?  We don’t talk about it but it’s true we dress for each other to impress and to gain approval. If a man sees us looking a mess it’s not likely he’s going to gossip about it to all his friends, honestly, he probably wouldn’t notice. Nothing makes you feel worse than when you’re too tired to get ready and you show up to work looking slightly desheveled and you see your co-worker looking fabulous in her high heels with her perfectly curled hair. Nothing makes you feel better than when one of your girls with a level fashion sense you aspire to achieve gives you a compliment. 

We want men to want us and women to envy us. 

And then, I still think most of all we do it for ourselves. When you leave the house looking fabulous and fashionable you feel good. Your day is just better when you look good because you feel good! And any attention or compliments that come from other men and women through a day are just a bonus. A confidence booster. You don’t ever want to leave the house hoping you don’t run into someone because you’re not looking your best. Some may view the need to get ready and be out together before you leave the house (and realistically it doesn’t happen everyday, the Starbucks drive through has seen me at my worst) but I say it’s just wanting to look and feel your best. 

Well that made me feel old…

Apparently I have reached that awkward age where I am now being invited to baby birthday parties, sans a baby of my own. My co-worker invited me to her son’s first birthday… While part of me is so excited to attend because I love her and her son the kind of cute that immediately makes you ovulate, the other part of me felt old and once again behind the curve. While my co-workers and high school friends and aquaintences, who I see on a daily basis, are tying the knot and popping out babies…primarily in small towns. My college friends are creating quite the juxtaposition by being spread out in big cities all over Cali and are enjoying the single life while focusing on their career. While the ladder is always what I had envisioned for myself, and what I continue to strive for, my current surroundings are sure making it hard not to feel like maternal clock is already ticking. 

Its like on the one hand, I see a cute baby and my overies immediately start aching, while my liver screams out “No, your 20’s are for fun and parties”….my liver wins again. 

One moment I’m thinking omg I’m so old because half my friends are parents and the next I’m wildly offended because I’m not getting carded at Safeway buying wine. It’s like OMG! You don’t know me! People say I look young! Do I look that old? It’s not even questionable anymore?? Am I going to need Botox or anti-wrinkle cream at 30?? After that experience I’m definitely going to need that glass of wine. And to think I used to revel in not getting carded at the bars because the bouncers new me…not getting carded at Safeway does not evoke the same feelings.

I returned from a Palm Springs vacation with all my close college friends a week ago…I just now feel like I’ve recovered. Remember the days when we used to sit around a table and do shots, before we went to the bar to drink…and then we would get up and go to class the next day like functioning members of society? I have no idea how we did that. Nothing makes you feel older than needing a week to detox and recover from a weekend of partying. The fact that we made it through college shocks me. I’m so proud of who we used to be and so shocked at how we all struggle. And let me tell you a hang over at 21 is not the same hang over you get at 24. At 24 it’s much, much worse. 

The curse of having little siblings is being mistake for their mom at a disturbingly young age. My brother was born when I was 16, holding him in public I feel like I could have inspired the MTV producers to create 16 and pregnant. Instead of correcting people I go with it. To this day when he is my sidekick running errands and people tell me my son is cute I just thank them and keep it moving, no need for hysterics and my brother thinks it’s hilarious. While that’s all well and good the receptionist at the European Wax Center who thought I was bringing in my sixteen year old sister for a “Mother, Daughter bikini wax” was just down right insulting. She’s only 5 years younger than me!! I’m still seriously hoping she needed her eyes checked! Now that made me feel old. 

Despite the fact that society is making me feel pressured to become a baby factory now that I’m in my mid-twenties, until that day comes I’m going to continue to hang into my youth and enjoy mimosas by the pool, no screaming babies allowed. 

Signs you’re a Functioning Hot Mess 

It’s the little things that make you feel like you’ve gotten your life together. Those moments make up about 5 percent of your life and the other 95 percent is the daily struggle you go through just barely passing as a functioning member of society, you know what I mean …right? 

1. You think that you’ve accomplished something great by being in a relationship. No matter how serious or casual at least it’s something to tell your family members while you’re home for the holidays. You can’t bare to asked why you’re still single by your great aunt June one more time. 

2. You lay out your “work clothes” the night before so you can hit the snooze button, just one more time the next morning. Every minute counts. 

3. You go into Target to by eye liner and bananas…and you come out with three bottles of wine. Oops. 

4. You get in a great work out and you’re so proud of yourself… so obviously  you reward yourself with a glass of wine and a brownie. Your health kick will start tomorrow. For real this time. 

5. You’ve tried to calculate how much of your paycheck is currently sitting in the Starbucks register. 

6. You’re trying to save money…until you’ve had a half a bottle of wine, your inhibitions have been lowered, let the online shopping begin. After all, it’s been a rough week. 

7. “Packing a lunch for work” is an easy Mac and a string cheese. It fits into your budget but not your healthy meal plan. Shhh, don’t tell my food journal. 

8. Dry shampoo and perfume are your best friends. Your co workers won’t be able to tell you didn’t shower this morning. 

9. Choosing between canceling your gym membership and wine of the month club…you can run outside right? 

10. You put that your outdoorsy on your online dating profile. You love drinking mimosas by the pool. 

11. You love brunch, because it’s a classy way to binge drink on a Sunday.

12. Your personal trainer asks what you’ve done today. You say yoga and arms. Because you opened a bottle of wine while wearing yoga pants. 

13. You’re version of saving money isn’t by not spending it, it’s by using your credit card instead. 

14. You can’t be friends with your co-workers on Facebook  because they would know the real reason you called in sick last Friday. 

15. You throw on running shoes with your yoga pants and messy bun so the people at target think you came from the gym not the couch. 

16. You still aren’t mature enough to go out With your girlfriends for a drink. One drink turns into seven. And forget about happy hour, that turns into crawling to the front door at midnight. 

17. You feel a sense of accomplishment after finishing a whole series on Netflix. It took hours of dedication. 

18. You keep telling yourself that someday you’re going to use your college major for something in real life. 

19. You tell yourself every Friday that next week you’re going to start working out and eating right. Is there a weight loss plan that includes wine? 

20. When you’re having a bad day you compare it the day Kim K’s sex tape was released and think maybe it’s not so bad.