There are some things in life I will never understand…one of which being how some people can be so freakin perky first thing in the morning. That is not me, it will never be me, and I loath all who are, at least for a moment. There are a few other things that, before I have my morning coffee, I just can’t ….
1. Break room chit chat. I am all for sharing pleasantries with co-workers. But when I am in the break room awaiting the first pot of coffee to finish brewing at 7am, it is way to early for small talk. If you ask how I am, I am going to say tired.
2. Morning road rage. It’s a much more silent rage. If someone is tailgating me, cuts me off, or dares to go 65 in the fast lane, I don’t yell or swear or honk….but rest assured I am silently hating the other with every fiber of my being.
3. A grunt is an acceptable response. I don’t even open my eyes while a brush my teeth. So if you insist on asking me questions in the morning, expect for your question to be answered in the form of a grunt. If you want a more specific verbal conformation…ask again later.
4. Morning sex. Fellas….if your girl is not a morning person and it’s your day off but she has to get up for work. Be very careful how you go about getting some morning love. Is it a great way to start your day? Absolutely. But you get to roll over and go back to sleep, while she has to immediately get up and get ready….so try to be understanding if she would rather hit the snooze button then spend those precious few moments enjoying you.
5. Dutch Bros. I know so many people who love Dutch Bros. I cannot go there in the morning. Their baristas a terrifyingly energetic. They lean out the window till they are practically in your car and they Bounce around like they are on speed. It’s the most overwhelming experience and I just can’t handle it. So Starbucks it is, even if it takes longer.
6. Morning workouts. No thank you. I applaude anyone who has the ability to jump out of bed and go for a run or hit the gym before work. I am not awake enough to get a quality work out in at the crack of dawn. And if you try and make me, expect whining and complaing that rivals a two year old.
7. Like most people, my phone comes to bed with me because it serves as my alarm clock. I love my friends but I also love my sleep. My morning friends who are up at seven for no apparent reason on a Saturday like to blow up my phone…and I hate them. Saturdays are for sleeping as late as possible. Don’t call me before noon.
8. I love breakfast food. From cereal, to eggs to pancakes. Brunch is one of my favorite activities. Also having breakfast is one of the best ways to kick start your metabolism and be healthy. Monday through Friday breakfast does not exist to me. Who has time for that? If it’s between ten more min of sleep and eating a bowl of cereal I can’t enjoy because I’m so tired….sleep wins again. And actually trying to cook something? Forget it.
9. The keurig was clearly invented with us non morning people in mind. I like to warm up with a cup before I hit the Starbucks drive thru. I can make a keurig cup of coffee with my eyes closed. Making coffee old school with the can and the filter and the water and 5 different cupboards where everything is stored….I can’t…and I won’t, thank God for drive thru Starbucks and the keurig.
10. I’d rather stay up later than get up earlier any day. I do anything I can at night to allow me to sleep a little longer. If I could do my hair and make up and night and not wake up looking a hot mess, I would. I shower, dry my hair, lay my clothes out like I’m back in elementary school, just to get that extra five min of sleep.