There is no struggle more real than that of a skinny Betch. It’s f***ing like June already and the past few months of dieting and going to the gym, followed by binge drinking haven’t left you looking like like Jillian Michaels…oops…whatever. So You’ve set your sites on crash dieting before notable events …obviously.
With an event two weeks away you’ve traded in your Monday night glass of wine ( while watching the bachelorette, of course) for some detox water in an attempt to cleanse your body of toxins and guilt from last weekends poor life choices. It’s fine.
There is absolutely nothing worse than coming off a three day weekend bender of vodka sodas, mini cupcakes, and iced white mochas and having to get back on the treadmill and eat a salad. You know all you wanna do is go get and in and out burger and satisfy your grease craving, since let’s be honest you’re still feeling your hangover even though it’s Tuesday…thanks for that mid twenties.
But no, you have to be in a bikini, in Vegas in two weeks Betch, step away from the French fry and go drown your sorrows in an iced coffee coz that’s as close to junk food as you’re going to get.
Then there are those health is a lifestyle bitches who don’t crave sweets, do yoga and get drunk off three vodka shots…all I have to say to them is … You can’t sit with us.
For the Betch that needs a little motivation… If being photographed in a bikini and instagrammed isn’t enough motivation for you, hang a photo of the VS model in the bikini you just ordered online on your full length mirror….it will give you something to aspire too…trust.
Also after staying sober for two weeks, your tolerance is low which means you’re consuming like half the normal amount of alcohol calories, right! Well that’s what we’re going to tell ourselves…
Once you’ve achieved your desired skinny Betch body it’s all about moderation… What is moderation you ask?? It means having a glass of wine and a slice of pizza during your Bachelorette viewing party (after a hardcore Monday gym sesh) Not eating a box a pizza while consuming the entire bottle of wine. This rule goes not apply to Starbucks…it is always a Venti Iced Coffee…..always. Anyone who tells you that you need to moderate your coffee consumption is a negative presence and you don’t need that in your life!
Sure there was Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy but those little white lies your mom told you brought you joy as child, so we’re willing to give her a pass on that.
But remember back in middle school when the boys who liked you teased you relentlessly or when the mean girls wouldn’t let you sit at their table in high school because on wed they wore pink and you were wearing blue? You went home and cried to your mom and she told you when you got older it would get better? False, Mom.
Myth # 1: Boys do not mature with age, at least not at an appropriate rate. In a combined trail and error dating test, my friends and I have determined that (at least in our experience) even at 34 (and below) “men” are still immature enough to be a complete pain in the ass to us as females. While the games have elevated from teasing you on the playground to the more sophisticated I’m going to be totally about you for two weeks and then drop off the face of the earth…either way, were still not impressed. Apparently when our moms told us that they would be less confusing and more mature as they age they said it hopefully rather than factually. Let’s be honest, you still question your dad’s maturity level at times….I’m not holding out much hope. If they are going to be immature and confusing let’s hope they can at least be hot and rich. Am I right,ladies!?
Myth #2: Mean girls are still mean, they have just traded in their Jean mini skirts and flip flops for business casual ware and stilettos. The same girls that called you fat and slutty in high school (even though you were a size two virgin) are still mean girl but now with big boobs. However, now we just refer to them as bitches. The most epic fail in life was allowing grown up mom mean girls to have a Facebook…who decided that was ok? It has taken bullying to a whole new level! Now, not only do we have their terrorist daughters to deal with, their mean girl moms can bully right from their IPhone. There is nothing more perplexing than receiving and angry message from your boyfriend’s ex girlfriend’s mom….messaging you just to let you know her perfect beautiful daughter is more amazing than you will ever be…nothing makes you pause and think wait what…but you’re a grown up?!… Faster than a 60 year old woman you’ve never met belittling you via Facebook message. Mean girl moms on Facebook, thanks but no thanks. And there is no way your electronicly challenged mom could have seen this one coming.
There are exceptions to every rule: This should really go with out saying. But obviously, there is going to be the mean girl you run into at the bar during winter break and majorly drunk bond with because she has had a taste of her own bitchy medicine and learned the error of her ways. The high school torment she inflicted on you is now a humerous anecdote you share at cocktail parties since you’ve become besties.
And sure guys mature on tocertain level extent as they age. I received a Facebook message from my cheating, dirt bag, football player, high school boyfriend, apologizing for treating me crap…granted this was only after Karma served him with a big dose of his own cheating medicine. But still, on rare occasions Boys do show us that that have matured in some respect, it’s just typically ripped away from us shortly after in a tornado of confusion.
Sorry to say mom, some things never change…some girls will always be bitches, and odds are we will never completely understand WTF guys are thinking, no matter how old they get.
First of all, if you haven’t read the book. Nice is Just a Place in France, you should.
Second, If you say you haven’t thought all of these things to yourself at least once, then you’re probably lying…and you can’t sit with us.
1. “I’m too pretty to work.” Yes, betch you are. I know that most of the time you’re like, “I am an independent women, hear me roar!” But while you’re out there actually being that independent woman and climbing the corporate ladder you’re thinking that it really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. And what do you have to fall back on? Your good looks, obviously. So you think to yourself, “I’m too pretty to work this hard…I need to marry rich”. And who rubs it in better than you’re own mother. Your at the office and she texting you from the new Thai restaurant with her besties, after a morning of yoga and shopping. Not to mention the fact that she had no job obligations tying her down so your dad can whisk her off to Hawaii on a moments notice….why did I want to be an independent woman again?
2. Starbucks should really deliver! You need your iced coffee and you need it now. You’re chained to your desk, if you leave the office things will fall apart and you can’t possibly wait until noon when you take your lunch. Starbucks should really have a delivery service, that employs only incredibly attractive delivery men, because we deserve eye candy with our iced coffee. I should really get a patent for this, I could make millions.
3. I just reallllyyyy want to be skinny, and not have to work out, and be able to eat Taco Bell and In and Out and binge drink beer and vodka with out gaining weight. You know where you’ve been on a birthday diet consisting of only celery sticks and diet coke you’ve thought about how what you really want is to have a hot body while being able to eat whatever you want. Whoever said women need a man to have true happiness was so confused. True happiness is letting your inner fat kid take control and not suffering any consequences. Right after they cure cancer they need to get on this.
4. I’m literally dying. Yes, we know this is not the correct use of literally. We know we’re not actually physically dying. But we might as well be. We have a flare for the dramatic. Where it’s a horrific hangover or bitch of a caffeine withdrawal, you know you’ve thought (and said to anyone who will listen) that you’re literally dying.
5. “I can’t even…” I can’t even being to tell you how many times a day this phrase runs through my mind, from then most obscure annoyance like a lack of coffee or the crazy baby mamma that plagues my existence, I can’t even. You know the Betchy girl you are tolerated nothing less than fabulousness and the annoying emails from your boss and the texts from your sexy ex are just too much for you sometimes and just like me, you can’t even.
6.” I know I’m amazing but…” Lets be honest and give credit where it’s due, you’re awesome and sometimes that’s a problem…like when you’re trying to casually date and guys fall in love after four dates, I get it but I can’t even. Or like when your boss gives you an extra project because you’re amazing but there goes your thirsty Thursday plans, it’s gonna be a late night at the office.