Monday Night Struggles: The Bachelor Bracket Saga Continues

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Kelsey’s attention whoring, most likely faux, panic attack has left our brackets hanging in the balance, with no rose ceremony and more drama than one bottle of red wine can combat. Looking at who’s left on my bracket I can’t help but think WTF?! …and Wow ABC, kudos to your editing skills!

My pick for the winner is Kelsey…I know right, how did I manage to pick the crazy bitch that everyone hates, to be my winner. This is where I tip my hat to ABC, the season previews skillfully hid her crazy. After going on and on about her “Amazing story” I’m left thinking either she’s making everything about her dead hubby up or she killed him! Who’s with me? I’m actually hoping for Chris’s sake that I lose. Also, does anyone else think Chris’s slight melt down pre-rose ceremony caused her to fake a panic attack in a desperate attempt to get a rose? She scares me.

Jade is my runner up. She’s so cute and sweet and I was seriously wishing I had picked her to win. Then I found out shy little Jade posed for play boy! Can’t wait for that bomb to drop. I’m betting Farmer Chris’s sisters will be shocked that the Cinderella they picked for their precious baby brother is moonlighting as a play boy model. All I could think looking at her nudie was, did she get hypothermia during the photo shoot??

Then there is Whitney, I’m thinking she might win but omfg her voice is annoying. Good luck listening to that! I’m pretty sure if he picked her, her type A personality would be running his tiny Iowa town in no time.

And Caitlin, she’s my pick for the next bachelorette. Cute, entertaining and she’s going to take one look at Chris’s home town and yell “just kidding”!

I think I could write a whole blog on how much I hate Ashley I! Every time she speaks I think “ohhh myyy godddd Ashley I STFU and stop crying you annoying whore.” I literally want to slap this girl every time she talks about being a virgin, cries, blinks because her eye lashes are sooooo fake, and when ever she has a jealous temper tantrum…so basically I want to slap her like the whole episode.

Every rose ceremony when he calls Samantha…I see her and go “who the F**k is that??” I think she’s said maybe five words the whole season. Has she ever even talked to Chris?? He’s been dropping girls like flies and yet she’s still here?? I’m confused.

Megan…I can’t tell if she’s always drunk or if she’s dumb as a post. Either way she’s adorable and I want to party with her…and explain that yes New Mexico is a state and Mexico is a country. Clearly a cute guy sat in front of her in geography.

Who the hell allowed Mackenzie to go on the Bachelor. She’s is 21 and acts about 12….stop talking about aliens and go home to your kid. I believe the show you were looking for was teen mom. Sorry not sorry.

Carly… I hope when she watches this back she counts how many times she says “like” every episode. “My like ex wouldn’t like touch me and like didn’t like know why”…that would be enough for me to not give her a rose. If she got rid of the incessant likes and stepped her eyebrow game up, I could root for her!

Becca, bachelor virgin #2…I have no complaints so far. She’s flying just under the radar and she could be a serious contender.

And last but not least, one of Farmer Chris’s favorites Britt. Did she really think she could pull a fast one on us? We know what nap means, as Kaitlyn would say, he plowed Britt’s field. All I could think when that door closed was “gosh I really hoped she showered.” She may have been make up ready at 4:30 AM but was she clean? One things for sure Britt is a dirty girl. Hearing her say she wanted 100 babies made me want Chris to pick her and turn her into a baby factory just to teach her a lesson about honesty.

I seriously can’t wait for the After the final rose because farmer Chris is going to be wondering why he kept Ashely I so long, and finally get to see how crazy Kelsey is…unless he picks her…coz she will probably murder him before the last episode airs.

Image via buzzfeed.com

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Oh the difference a sibling (or 6) makes

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Several of my 20 something friends are tying the knot and immediately jumping into bed to make babies! While I’m so excited to plan baby showers for them and to hold adorable newborns, I am also more than happy to hand the little one back the moment crying ensues! Possibly because I am the oldest 7. The six littles ones have made me all two familiar with motherhood, and anyone who was older when their siblings were born knows these same situations all too well! While we may be well equipped to handle motherhood someday our little siblings have not made us too eager to get there.

1.Only children and those close In age to their siblings won’t recall what it’s like being trapped in a car with a screaming baby or toddler throwing a temper tantrum. At 16 I remember wanted to jump out the window on the freeway when my 6 month old brother was shrieking, for no apparent reason. Nothing pushes you to the brink of your sanity faster than being locked in a car with a toddler who is kicking the back of your seat and screaming at the top of his lungs because he wants a happy meal.

2. I’m not in a rush to be a soccer mom because I’ve already been a soccer sister. I’ve been dragged out of bed at an ungodly hour on Saturday mornings to shuttle one of my siblings to soccer. Too many kids, too many games at the same time, poor mom can’t get to all of them so sister is an acceptable stand in. I work hard and I’d like to spend a few more years sleeping in on Saturday…after all it’s the day of pre-rest right?

3. They may be tiny and cute but they are ragingly expensive. From club soccer fees to prom dresses, I’ve heard my siblings come home demanding cash for it all. Not to mention you have to feed and clothe them and all that too. Right now I’d rather spend my extra cash on an expensive hand bag and take my baby brother out for froyo on the weekend than pay for a little one of my own.

4. Being 5-16 years older than my siblings I’ve spent a lot of time baby sitting! This has left me loving my freedom! From being able to shop without holding a hand to living entirely on my own schedule. Children tend to be on a fairly demanding time schedule. My parents recently went to Hawaii, I was in charge of 5 kids from 17-8 and let me tell at the end of the vacation, I wasn’t sure I wanted to have kids ever. Even at 15 they can pick up after themselves, and the little ones need help with homework and lunches and getting to and from school. It’s exhausting, I have a hard enough time with just myself. It gave me a whole new respect for my mom, and the fact that she doesn’t drink an bottle of wine to herself nightly. Needless to say I was ready for a Grande Marg upon their arrival.

5. When I go out to dinner whether it’s for a date night or girls night, I am looking for a grown up good time….and nothing kills the vibe more than a family with tiny tots, yelling, crying and climbing on the table eliciting stares from restaurant goers. While my friends who are only children are shooting them dirty looks, how dare they take their children out to dinner, I avoid staring in their direction and instead of a glare I give the mom a sympathetic look and smile. I do this because remember what it was like being 14 and having 5 year old twins and a infant dining out with me, I know exactly how mortified that poor mom is because I was that mortified older sister. And at the end of the evening I get to leave the restaurant childless and that poor mom has to go home with those wild children.

6. I’ve seen my mom bend over backwards to make my siblings happy with out so much as a thank you, let alone the acknowledgment that she rearranged her whole schedule to drive them to practice or she just bought them new cleats that cost as much as my car payment. I think I would rather stick to my thankless job, at least I get to leave at 5 and I get paid for my over time.

I love kids but growing up with them made me acutely aware that those cute little bundles of joy are expensive, loud, hindrances to fun. While I’m sure their are an abundance of joys you experience as a parent that I could relate to, like how proud I was of my baby bro the first time I saw him score a goal in soccer, or when I saw my little sister, one of my closest friends, graduate from high school with tears in my eyes…when it comes time to get married I will be busy planning my honeymoon in Venice, not planning pregnancies. This girl is in no hurry to have a screaming baby in the backseat of her car…so a big thanks to all my siblings for my views on motherhood.

Excuse me but I didn’t order a catfish?!

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Have 20 something’s given up? Have we really relinquished ourselves to online dating because were so desperate to find love at the ripe old age of 23? We’re sacrificing chemistry for convenience. While I haven’t experienced online dating myself I’ve watched my friends experience some online dating success and some Tinder nightmares.

Online Dating Pros

1. The Pool Keeps Shrinking. Once you graduate college, you go from trying to weed out the douche bags from the the nice guys, to just trying to meet any guy! There are friends of friends, co-workers, the few randoms from the bar and god forbid exes. Bottom line the older you get the fewer opportunities you have to meet new people.

2. Ain’t nobody got time for that. We’re busy ladies! We have jobs and other commitments that do not allow the time that is required to meet a guy. When we have time to go out with our friends we want to enjoy their company, not constantly be on the prowl.

3. Been there, done that. We’re over guys in bars. We just spent four years in college bringing guys home from bars. Having drunk hook ups and ill fated flings after meeting drunk. We’re looking for something more than what you can find in a bar on a Friday night.

4. True Life: We Met Online. Giving credit where it’s due, a friend of a friend, at age 24 is in a successful relationship with a guy she met on match. He is 26, with a good job, his own place and his life is together. I ask myself what kind of 20 something guy goes on match? My first thought? A desperate creep! Apparently the one she found is just a little more mellow and job oriented.

Online Dating Cons

1. Meet Cute. When your kids someday ask you how you met your answer will be online. So much for an adorable story. No phone number written on a Starbucks cup, or an instant connection after bumping into each other at a crowded gallery opening. Or in my case too much tequila caused me to sit on his lap…while he was bar-tending, hey it was cuter than it sounds!

2. So inorganic. You can’t manufacture true chemistry. You can’t buy butterflies. No test can match you with your soulmate. It’s not a perfect system, like every girl out there trolling the bars you’re going to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. Odds are the first guy you find on match isn’t going to be the love of your life.

3. And then there was Tinder…it’s like an online booty call. Yes, I know one person who is in a tinder relationship, however, some of the dates my friends have been on.OMG. Absolutely horrifying! It’s more like an online booty call. As if there wasn’t a stigma attached to online dating already, tinder came along and put the cherry on top. I’m judging and all my girls know it.

4. Catfish. There is an entire television show dedicated to the crazy, creepy, scum of the earth who screw with people online. Remember when you swiped right on Tinder, you know, tall, blonde, blue eyes, fit. Odds are if he’s not a total a**hole, then he is actually 300 lbs, eating pizza in his parents basement and loving your photos as well. Thanks MTV you’ve now encouraged all the crazies to
Come out of the woodwork…again. (Sidenote: don’t get me wrong I love catfish the tv show)

Bottom line, in my opinion I think 20 something’s should keep hope alive and stay off online dating sites. I think we need to feel spark and continue to be adventurous. Leave your options open! Ask me again in 5 1/2 years and I may be far more encouraging when it comes to online dating at 30 but for now at least I get a kick out of hearing about my friend’s infamous tinder dates!