Second, If you say you haven’t thought all of these things to yourself at least once, then you’re probably lying…and you can’t sit with us.
1. “I’m too pretty to work.” Yes, betch you are. I know that most of the time you’re like, “I am an independent women, hear me roar!” But while you’re out there actually being that independent woman and climbing the corporate ladder you’re thinking that it really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. And what do you have to fall back on? Your good looks, obviously. So you think to yourself, “I’m too pretty to work this hard…I need to marry rich”. And who rubs it in better than you’re own mother. Your at the office and she texting you from the new Thai restaurant with her besties, after a morning of yoga and shopping. Not to mention the fact that she had no job obligations tying her down so your dad can whisk her off to Hawaii on a moments notice….why did I want to be an independent woman again?
2. Starbucks should really deliver! You need your iced coffee and you need it now. You’re chained to your desk, if you leave the office things will fall apart and you can’t possibly wait until noon when you take your lunch. Starbucks should really have a delivery service, that employs only incredibly attractive delivery men, because we deserve eye candy with our iced coffee. I should really get a patent for this, I could make millions.
3. I just reallllyyyy want to be skinny, and not have to work out, and be able to eat Taco Bell and In and Out and binge drink beer and vodka with out gaining weight. You know where you’ve been on a birthday diet consisting of only celery sticks and diet coke you’ve thought about how what you really want is to have a hot body while being able to eat whatever you want. Whoever said women need a man to have true happiness was so confused. True happiness is letting your inner fat kid take control and not suffering any consequences. Right after they cure cancer they need to get on this.
4. I’m literally dying. Yes, we know this is not the correct use of literally. We know we’re not actually physically dying. But we might as well be. We have a flare for the dramatic. Where it’s a horrific hangover or bitch of a caffeine withdrawal, you know you’ve thought (and said to anyone who will listen) that you’re literally dying.
5. “I can’t even…” I can’t even being to tell you how many times a day this phrase runs through my mind, from then most obscure annoyance like a lack of coffee or the crazy baby mamma that plagues my existence, I can’t even. You know the Betchy girl you are tolerated nothing less than fabulousness and the annoying emails from your boss and the texts from your sexy ex are just too much for you sometimes and just like me, you can’t even.
6.” I know I’m amazing but…” Lets be honest and give credit where it’s due, you’re awesome and sometimes that’s a problem…like when you’re trying to casually date and guys fall in love after four dates, I get it but I can’t even. Or like when your boss gives you an extra project because you’re amazing but there goes your thirsty Thursday plans, it’s gonna be a late night at the office.