Skinny Betch Struggles 

  There is no struggle more real than that of a skinny Betch. It’s f***ing like June already and the past few months of  dieting and going to the gym, followed by binge drinking haven’t left you looking like like Jillian Michaels…oops…whatever. So You’ve set your sites on crash dieting before notable events …obviously

With an event two weeks away you’ve traded in your Monday night glass of wine ( while watching the bachelorette, of course) for some detox water in an attempt to cleanse your body of toxins and guilt from last weekends poor life choices. It’s fine.  

There is absolutely nothing worse than coming off a three day weekend bender of vodka sodas, mini cupcakes, and iced white mochas and having to get back on the treadmill and eat a salad. You know all you wanna do is go get and in and out burger and satisfy your grease craving, since let’s be honest you’re still feeling your hangover even though it’s Tuesday…thanks for that mid twenties. 

But no, you have to be in a bikini, in Vegas in two weeks Betch, step away from the French fry and go drown your sorrows in an iced coffee coz that’s as close to junk food as you’re going to get. 

Then there are those health is a lifestyle bitches who don’t crave sweets, do yoga and get drunk off three vodka shots…all I have to say to them is … You can’t sit with us. 

For the Betch that needs a little motivation… If being photographed in a bikini and instagrammed isn’t enough motivation for you, hang a photo of the VS model in the bikini you just ordered online on your full length mirror….it will give you something to aspire too…trust. 

Also after staying sober for two weeks, your tolerance is low which means you’re consuming like half the normal amount of alcohol calories, right! Well that’s what we’re going to tell ourselves…

Once you’ve achieved your desired skinny Betch body it’s all about moderation… What is moderation you ask??  It means having a glass of wine and a slice of pizza during your Bachelorette viewing party (after a hardcore Monday gym sesh) Not  eating a box a pizza while consuming the entire bottle of wine. This rule goes not apply to Starbucks…it is always a Venti Iced Coffee…..always. Anyone who tells you that you need to moderate your coffee consumption is a negative presence and you don’t need that in your life! 

Stay Skinny Betches! 

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Thoughts All Betchy Girls Have 

  First of all, if you haven’t read the book. Nice is Just a Place in France, you should.

Second, If you say you haven’t thought all of these things to yourself at least once, then you’re probably lying…and you can’t sit with us. 
1. “I’m too pretty to work.” Yes, betch you are. I know that most of the time you’re like, “I am an independent women, hear me roar!” But while you’re out there actually being that independent woman and climbing the corporate ladder you’re thinking that it really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. And what do you have to fall back on? Your good looks, obviously.  So you think to yourself, “I’m too pretty to work this hard…I need to marry rich”.  And who rubs it in better than you’re own mother. Your at the office and she texting you from the new Thai restaurant with her besties, after a morning of yoga and shopping. Not to mention the fact that she had no job obligations tying her down so your dad can whisk her off to Hawaii on a moments notice….why did I want to be an independent woman again? 

2. Starbucks should really deliver! You need your iced coffee and you need it now. You’re chained to your desk, if you leave the office things will fall apart and you can’t possibly wait until noon when you take your lunch. Starbucks should really have a delivery service, that employs only incredibly attractive delivery men, because we deserve eye candy with our iced coffee. I should really get a patent for this, I could make millions. 

3. I just reallllyyyy want to be skinny, and not have to work out, and be able to eat Taco Bell and In and Out and binge drink beer and vodka with out gaining weight. You know where you’ve been on a birthday diet consisting of only celery sticks and diet coke you’ve thought about how what you really want is to have a hot body while being able to eat whatever you want. Whoever said women need a man to have true happiness was so confused. True happiness is letting your inner fat kid take control and not suffering any consequences. Right after they cure cancer they need to get on this.

4. I’m literally dying. Yes, we know this is not the correct use of literally. We know we’re not actually physically dying. But we might as well be. We have a flare for the dramatic. Where it’s a horrific hangover or bitch of a caffeine withdrawal, you know you’ve thought (and said to anyone who will listen) that you’re literally dying. 

5. “I can’t even…” I can’t even being to tell you how many times a day this phrase runs through my mind, from then most obscure annoyance like a lack of coffee or the crazy baby mamma that plagues my existence, I can’t even. You know the Betchy girl you are tolerated nothing less than fabulousness and the annoying emails from your boss and the texts from your sexy ex are just too much for you sometimes and just like me, you can’t even. 

6.” I know I’m amazing but…” Lets be honest and give credit where it’s due, you’re awesome and sometimes that’s a problem…like when you’re trying to casually date and guys fall in love after four dates, I get it but I can’t even. Or like when your boss gives you an extra project because you’re amazing but there goes your thirsty Thursday plans, it’s gonna be a late night at the office. 

15 Signs your BFF is actually your Soulmate 

We all have that one girlfriend that’s just on another level…your person; the Christina to your Meredith, the Samantha to your Carrie, the Peyton Sawyer to your Brooke Davis. She gets you, she’s there for you, and you would totally marry her if she had a penis…neither of you want to give up the D, no matter much you love each other. Even when you find the love your life, she will always be your soul mate. 

1. You speak your own language.  

2. Their boyfriend accepts he is basically dating you too…  

  

….and fighting with you…you feel her pain and you respond to texts as a team!

3. You consult each other when making important life choices. 

  

4. You spend hours debating the minutia of Taylor Swift songs and how they impact your life.  

   

5. You’re always their in spirit… Or via text … To make sure she’s looking her best. 

  

6. You’re always on her side…no matter what stupid thing she does…because you’re a team. Anyone who messes with your main betch better beware.  

7. She’s been there through everything, your happy, sad and slutty moments. And she remembers them better than you do. That’s why you have to call her to remember the names of all the guys you’ve dated. 

8. Your unbreakable bond is apparent to everyone… 

9. Friends who stalk together, stay together. 

 

10. She always has your best interest at heart… 

11. You’ve moved beyond ugly snap chats…you send flossy snaps because some needs to appreciate how on point your eyebrow game is today. 

12. They blow up your Instagram with hilarious tags to help get you through your work day…. 

13. When life’s not fair because you can’t hang out… 

 14. They worry about you. And your uterus. If you forget to take your birth control it’s going to put a damper on their fun.  

 

15. They give the best advice…  

 

WTF Moments:Giving Pretty Girls Wrinkles by 30

 

 Today was one of those days…I’ve come to the realization that because of days like today I will need Botox by the time I’m 30. A very tiny thin barely noticeable line has appeared and made itself at home on my forehead. 

You know how they say resting bitch face keeps you pretty? It’s true. I have chronic resting bitch face…a disease which I’ve come to accept. Unfortunately, my next most common face is the eye brow raise…. You know the face…caused by what I like to call “WTF moments” …you know the ones caused by stupidity or excessivness and followed by the phrase, “I can’t!”….yeah, with each eye-brow raise this f**king wrinkle becomes more deeply engraved on my forehead and I blame stupid, excessive  people.

Here are my top five reasons why pretty girls need Botox by 30….

1. Co-workers. They are without a doubt my number one reason, I can’t even tell you how many temper tantrums and e-mails cause me to raise my eyebrows each and every day …for extended periods of time. It baffles me the lack of professionalism that is allowed in the work place. I had a co-worker storm out of a meeting and yell “I’m over it”….not one of us knew why, I can’t even tell you how long my eyebrows were raised in utter shock! Or girls who cry hysterically because cause were told they were incorrect or made a mistake….and not just once, Every. Single. Time. I just can’t…but unfortunately my eyebrows can. And then there is that guy…. the guy that hits on you via work email…I just wanna respond….”you know our boss can see this right” …and yes this is sexual harassment…and now the break room is in perpetual state awkwardness and eyebrow raises. So thanks for the wrinkle buddy! 

2. When you check your bank account….either way there is going to be an eye brow raise of epic proportions! It’s either a WTF happy, shocked, I have way more money than I thought and I deserve a treat, eye brow raise or it’s a WTF how did I spend so much money I can’t afford a Starbucks tomorrow morning, eye brow raise. Only like 3% of the time do you actually think “oh ya that’s what I thought” when you look at your bank statement. You can thank your after 3 glasses of wine online shopping addiction for that…you know who you are.

3. When my boyfriend eats my food…I have six siblings, they eat a lot more than I do, this has turned me into a food hoarder…well kinda. My BF makes me dinner and gives the standard boy girl portions…so he has way more then me…and then he has the nerve  to reach over and grab the egg off my salad…OMG….the wrinkle that eyebrow raise gives me is the reason he will be paying for my Botox someday! 

4. Exes….when your ex sends you selfie snapchats asking  how you are…and a few hours later they send you a snuggley snap of them with their new GF…wtf is wrong with you? My eyebrows are permanently stuck in this position because you are clearly a sociopath…weirdo. Then I raise my eyebrows again…so I can ponder why I dated you!                                             And then their is his ex, the jealous ex girl friend who shows up at bars to see what you look like, because yes, you really are that beautiful in person, and then trashes you on her Facebook, calling you things like slut and troll. Sadly, yes, these are also wrinkle causing moments, my eyebrows are raised because she’s a stalker…and then I add to my laugh lines because it’s kind of hilarious.

5. When retail therapy goes wrong. It was one of those days where, your coworkers suck, traffic was horrible, your boyfriend forgot to change your reservation coz you had to work late and you stop by target on your way home…every woman’s happy place. You go in for a bottle of white wine and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s to drown your sorrows. And then you see the most adorable pair of shoes, there is one pair left, they are your size and on sale for 20 bucks. It’s like the shoe sale God’s put them there just for you…so obviously your broke, you don’t get paid for another week…and obviously you need to text your BFF to make sure they are cute enough to buy….and because your day sucks that bitch (and you call her that with so much love) decides to pick now to have a life and not text you back. Whyyyy…so you complain to your boyfriend…and he says “baby you deserve the shoes, you should buy them”. The person who judges the amount you shop the most, just made you feel ok about your purchase…it’s moments like this that remind you why you keep that adorable boy around. Your day is turning around! You check out, and you’re slightly surprised by the total. You glance at the receipt when you get home and notice despite the sale sign you just paid FULL PRICE for those beautiful  on sale, Gift from the Retail God’s shoes….so you raise your eyebrows at that receipt and contemplate what to do next. Then you finally come to the conclusion that you should screw the extra ten bucks and open that bottle of wine…to relax your face muscles obviously….

And that ladies and gents is why I will someday need Botox….what can we take away from this??  We can thank wine for the help until it’s time to get those lovely Botox injections. Did I mention I hate needles??? 

Signs you’re a Functioning Hot Mess 

It’s the little things that make you feel like you’ve gotten your life together. Those moments make up about 5 percent of your life and the other 95 percent is the daily struggle you go through just barely passing as a functioning member of society, you know what I mean …right? 

1. You think that you’ve accomplished something great by being in a relationship. No matter how serious or casual at least it’s something to tell your family members while you’re home for the holidays. You can’t bare to asked why you’re still single by your great aunt June one more time. 

2. You lay out your “work clothes” the night before so you can hit the snooze button, just one more time the next morning. Every minute counts. 

3. You go into Target to by eye liner and bananas…and you come out with three bottles of wine. Oops. 

4. You get in a great work out and you’re so proud of yourself… so obviously  you reward yourself with a glass of wine and a brownie. Your health kick will start tomorrow. For real this time. 

5. You’ve tried to calculate how much of your paycheck is currently sitting in the Starbucks register. 

6. You’re trying to save money…until you’ve had a half a bottle of wine, your inhibitions have been lowered, let the online shopping begin. After all, it’s been a rough week. 

7. “Packing a lunch for work” is an easy Mac and a string cheese. It fits into your budget but not your healthy meal plan. Shhh, don’t tell my food journal. 

8. Dry shampoo and perfume are your best friends. Your co workers won’t be able to tell you didn’t shower this morning. 

9. Choosing between canceling your gym membership and wine of the month club…you can run outside right? 

10. You put that your outdoorsy on your online dating profile. You love drinking mimosas by the pool. 

11. You love brunch, because it’s a classy way to binge drink on a Sunday.

12. Your personal trainer asks what you’ve done today. You say yoga and arms. Because you opened a bottle of wine while wearing yoga pants. 

13. You’re version of saving money isn’t by not spending it, it’s by using your credit card instead. 

14. You can’t be friends with your co-workers on Facebook  because they would know the real reason you called in sick last Friday. 

15. You throw on running shoes with your yoga pants and messy bun so the people at target think you came from the gym not the couch. 

16. You still aren’t mature enough to go out With your girlfriends for a drink. One drink turns into seven. And forget about happy hour, that turns into crawling to the front door at midnight. 

17. You feel a sense of accomplishment after finishing a whole series on Netflix. It took hours of dedication. 

18. You keep telling yourself that someday you’re going to use your college major for something in real life. 

19. You tell yourself every Friday that next week you’re going to start working out and eating right. Is there a weight loss plan that includes wine? 

20. When you’re having a bad day you compare it the day Kim K’s sex tape was released and think maybe it’s not so bad. 

It’s Valentines Day…Somebody Pass the Tequila

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Valentine’s day is less than a week away and the social media world is already a flutter with angst and preciousness. Single girls are bitching and threatening to sign off of all social media for Vday…how tragic. Cheating boyfriends are busy making dinner reservations for BAE, while ordering his side chick flowers…for delivery of course. And the average BF is busy scrambling to make last min reservations and pick up flowers in a feeble attempt to placate his girlfriend. Friends with benefits avoid each other like the plague. And girlfriends are subscribing their bfs to the beer of the month club by the thousands.

The single girls broadcasting their relationship status, or lack there of, are in need of a little tough love this Valentines Day. While you may feel forever alone now, that will not always be the case. And if you look back through past Facebook albums I’m willing to bet that you’ll find a disgustingly adorable Vday post similar to the ones you’re bitching about now. Calm down…it’s nothing a dose of sarcasm and a shot of tequila can’t fix. Not to mention, it could be worse, there are children starving in Africa…at least you can eat (or drink) your feelings.
Every other day of the month you’re preaching about your single girl independence. Go out and be the independent woman you claim to be. Go buy yourself a bouquet, it’s not pathetic, if you wanted flowers to go in your kitchen vase any other day of the year you’d buy them right?! Or better yet go buy yourself a bottle of tequila and those chocolate covered strawberries you’ve been eyeing and have a good old, man bashing, Vday with your single ladies. After all, some of the most memorable Vdays are the ones you spend with your girlfriends.
So before you write and dramatic status about how sick you are of seeing your girls post pictures of flowers, chocolates, presents, (and god forbid engagement rings) this Valentines day take a moment and remember you’ve been there. You have posted flowers with obnoxious captions about your “babe” or vom inducing happy valentines day kissing pics of you and your man. If you haven’t, next year you may want to and you don’t wanna be a hypocrite, right?! So be a good sport, quit your bitching and like your girlfriends posts. After all, it’s her turn to be the spoiled girl on valentines day. She’s held your hand and your hair through your break ups and make ups, you owe her.

And a note to all you boyfriends out there. Even if we say Valentines Day isn’t a big deal and we play it off like it’s a consumer holiday, don’t believe us. Even if it’s not our favorite holiday, we are secretly hoping you do something to acknowledge the holiday. As much as we love being included in this romantic holiday, and let’s be honest here girls, we do. (I’ve never felt more special and envied than the Valentines day my boyfriend had roses and a teddy bear delivered to my office.) There is something to be said about getting flowers, just about any other day of the year. As much fun as it is to celebrate Vday, getting flowers on a random day for no reason can be 100 times more romantic than getting flowers the same day every other girlfriend does because that’s what boyfriends supposed to do. So keep that in mind fellas, we like to be spoiled the other 364 days of the year too!

Cheers to all my single ladies out there, don’t forget the salt and limes. And to all my couples…post away, you have my blessing ….Happy Valentines Day! Xoxo.

Monday Night Struggles: The Bachelor Bracket Saga Continues

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Kelsey’s attention whoring, most likely faux, panic attack has left our brackets hanging in the balance, with no rose ceremony and more drama than one bottle of red wine can combat. Looking at who’s left on my bracket I can’t help but think WTF?! …and Wow ABC, kudos to your editing skills!

My pick for the winner is Kelsey…I know right, how did I manage to pick the crazy bitch that everyone hates, to be my winner. This is where I tip my hat to ABC, the season previews skillfully hid her crazy. After going on and on about her “Amazing story” I’m left thinking either she’s making everything about her dead hubby up or she killed him! Who’s with me? I’m actually hoping for Chris’s sake that I lose. Also, does anyone else think Chris’s slight melt down pre-rose ceremony caused her to fake a panic attack in a desperate attempt to get a rose? She scares me.

Jade is my runner up. She’s so cute and sweet and I was seriously wishing I had picked her to win. Then I found out shy little Jade posed for play boy! Can’t wait for that bomb to drop. I’m betting Farmer Chris’s sisters will be shocked that the Cinderella they picked for their precious baby brother is moonlighting as a play boy model. All I could think looking at her nudie was, did she get hypothermia during the photo shoot??

Then there is Whitney, I’m thinking she might win but omfg her voice is annoying. Good luck listening to that! I’m pretty sure if he picked her, her type A personality would be running his tiny Iowa town in no time.

And Caitlin, she’s my pick for the next bachelorette. Cute, entertaining and she’s going to take one look at Chris’s home town and yell “just kidding”!

I think I could write a whole blog on how much I hate Ashley I! Every time she speaks I think “ohhh myyy godddd Ashley I STFU and stop crying you annoying whore.” I literally want to slap this girl every time she talks about being a virgin, cries, blinks because her eye lashes are sooooo fake, and when ever she has a jealous temper tantrum…so basically I want to slap her like the whole episode.

Every rose ceremony when he calls Samantha…I see her and go “who the F**k is that??” I think she’s said maybe five words the whole season. Has she ever even talked to Chris?? He’s been dropping girls like flies and yet she’s still here?? I’m confused.

Megan…I can’t tell if she’s always drunk or if she’s dumb as a post. Either way she’s adorable and I want to party with her…and explain that yes New Mexico is a state and Mexico is a country. Clearly a cute guy sat in front of her in geography.

Who the hell allowed Mackenzie to go on the Bachelor. She’s is 21 and acts about 12….stop talking about aliens and go home to your kid. I believe the show you were looking for was teen mom. Sorry not sorry.

Carly… I hope when she watches this back she counts how many times she says “like” every episode. “My like ex wouldn’t like touch me and like didn’t like know why”…that would be enough for me to not give her a rose. If she got rid of the incessant likes and stepped her eyebrow game up, I could root for her!

Becca, bachelor virgin #2…I have no complaints so far. She’s flying just under the radar and she could be a serious contender.

And last but not least, one of Farmer Chris’s favorites Britt. Did she really think she could pull a fast one on us? We know what nap means, as Kaitlyn would say, he plowed Britt’s field. All I could think when that door closed was “gosh I really hoped she showered.” She may have been make up ready at 4:30 AM but was she clean? One things for sure Britt is a dirty girl. Hearing her say she wanted 100 babies made me want Chris to pick her and turn her into a baby factory just to teach her a lesson about honesty.

I seriously can’t wait for the After the final rose because farmer Chris is going to be wondering why he kept Ashely I so long, and finally get to see how crazy Kelsey is…unless he picks her…coz she will probably murder him before the last episode airs.

Image via buzzfeed.com