The Great New Year’s Eve Complex

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Nothing gets me into the holiday spirit like the Chrismukkah episode of the The O.C. Of course since it’s one of my all time favorite shows, breaking out this one festive episode almost always leads to binge watching all the way through Chismukkah if season two. Another seasonal episode I love watch and to hate is “The Countdown”. This New Year’s Eve episode imparted wisdom that would haunt me for years to come. The theme of the episode…”the way you spend your New Years is how you’re going to spend the rest of your year.”

Wait what!?! Who the hell decided that?? Thanks for that gem! This leads me to ponder oh so many terrifying questions! These words have literally haunted me since I was 14…ten years later I now have a slightly tighter grasp on reality. But I’m still left with a few grappling questions!

How literally are we supposed to take this? I mean is it symbolic? I’m not
Going to spend my entire year like I spent my New Years, literally. I mean as much as I would love to spend a year going to parties, wearing a sequined dress and way too much glitter eye liner while constantly popping champagne…that’s just not realistic.

Are you supposed to take it situationally?? Like for example…if someone spends NYE fighting with their significant other, does that mean their relationship is facing impending doom in the upcoming year? Or if they share a romantic kiss at midnight their destined for a year of romance? Or what if you’re the drunk single girl
At the bar and you find yourself lip locking with a random when the clock strokes 12…is your fate to be the slutty single girl for yet another year?! Say it ain’t so!

If this is true what’s the point of New Years resolutions anyway?? So much for the whole fresh start concept! You better set down that crab cake and pick up a carrot stick at the party because if your resolution is weight loss if you wait till the first to turn over that new leaf you’ll be screwed. In fact you probably should have started your resolution like two weeks ago.

In the past ten years I’ve time and time again proved this theory wrong. In fact from one year to the next I went from being a drunk single college girl on New Years, to a classy woman clinking champagne glasses and sharing a kiss with my boyfriend at midnight…the only think that those NYE had in common was the excessive amount of sequins I will never be too old to sport.

No matter how old I get or how many times I prove the theory to be false the words of Summer Roberts will always linger in the back of my mind…(paraphrased anyway…I love the show but I don’t have every line memorized) “Coop you can’t stay in! How you spend your New Years is how you’re going to spend the rest of the year!!” Dear Summer Thank you for inflicting this paralyzing New Year’s Eve complex on millions of girls that will take years of intense therapy to shake! And on that optimistic note…cheers to a fabulous new year!

Photo courtesy of: tvmegasite.net via google images

Funny Things About Chronic Illness

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So I have Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome (CVS)…which basically means I just start puking any where, any time for no apparent reason. It’s awesome. Now I’m not one of those people who makes a Facebook status about my illness like “puked four times today wahhh CVS sucks” because frankly it’s gross and I don’t want that kind of attention. Sympathy makes me uncomfortable, I get so awkward. For the most part I generally try to ignore it, I don’t talk about it unless I have to but in the past year I have learned to find my lovely illness rather comical.

1. There is nothing I love more than getting all dolled up for a night out on the town with my man and having the night end with me voming in the restaurant parking lot while he holds my hair. Sexy. There is no bigger turn on for a guy than helping his girl clean the puke off her shoes at the end of the night. That said I’ve really come to appreciate his strong stomach, if my dad even hears that I’m sick he’s dry heaving in a corner somewhere. I also appreciate that my boyfriend continues on with the evening like nothing disgusting has taken place, he will even still kiss me after…ignoring the slight hint of puke that lingers, now that’s love.

2. The doctors are a real treat as well. It took months of different doctor’s and tests before they were able to “diagnose” me. Apparently if you’re a twenty something female with stomach issues then you must be pregnant. Really? You don’t think I would have noticed by now? Or perhaps the last four doctor’s I saw who also made me pee in a cup to make absolutely certain I’m not pregnant. Wouldn’t they have caught that already? But nooo we’re going to do it again just to be sure. Oh it came back negative? Well I’m shocked. Now can we actually try to solve the problem.??

3. Weight loss. It was the one pleasant side affect of my illness. I went from an 8 to a 2 in about 8 months. Now when I go to the doctor and they put me on the scale, the number that appears no longer horrifies me. And yet it horrified my doctors. Every time I came in they took note of how much weight I’d lost in between visits and they were greatly concerned. Sure it probably wasn’t normal or healthy that I was losing weight rapidly but whatever. I wanted the vomiting and public humiliation to stop but I didn’t mind the weight loss. I felt like asking them to get back to the real problem.

4. I’m a weakling. I no longer have any muscle to speak of. Before my illness I was in pretty good shape, I ran three miles a day. Now the treadmill just sits there. Mocking me. Now I get on the treadmill and after five minutes I think I’m going to die, literally. I’ll be honest it’s a rarity, so much so that after about fifteen min one of my sisters said “should we check on Trish?” Because no one would be shocked if I passed out from exhaustion. And died. Fitness seems completely unattainable. I mean I’d just like to do normal things with ease again. Filling a pot with water and moving it a foot back to the stove with out my arms shaking and feeling exasperated would be nice. **sigh** maybe someday.

5. There is nothing more awkward than throwing up in a public bathroom. I’m pretty sure half the women in my office think I’m either pregnant, bulimic, or chronically hung over. Sometimes I wonder what the person in the next stall is thinking. I would be judging if I heard me. I’d be thinking Omg she came to work hung over again?? I also feel bad because if I were them I’d be totally grossed out. I’d just like to take a moment and apologize to anyone who has ever had the unfortunate experience of listening to me vomit in a public bathroom. Or seeing me on the side of the road. Yeah, it happens.

6. I also love it when my family and friends who are aware of my situation make comments. Nothing makes me happier than when someone asks me if I’m feeling ok because I look like I’m feeling sick. Actually I feel perfectly fine but thanks for letting me know I actually look like crap. Sweet. And when I do feel sick and have to go out and deal with the world I’ve just started piling on the make up. I’ve found if I have enough make up on when I’m feeling horrible it hides that pale death warmed over look I get. I’m
Chronically gorgeous, obviously. But no one is worse than my sisters. While my mom and sisters are counting calories and I’m enjoying another cookie they bitterly say things like “well she can eat whatever she wants, she’s just gonna throw it up anyway.” Thanks guys….jealous much? There are times when I’m forced to explain my situation to people and my dad will chime in with “she’s bulimic” and everyone thinks it’s hilarious, while the person I’m trying to explain it too looks horrified and confused. So supportive.

7. My sister is the ultimate fit girl. She began her fitness journey about the same time I started getting sick. Her change in diet and commitment to working out have paid off. She has a rocking bod. We were both losing weight and getting compliments. I could tell she was totally perturbed because I hadn’t earned my new body. I didn’t spend hours on the treadmill sweating it out for those compliments. And I’m over here like ummm…excuse me? Vomiting is an excellent ab work out…Jeeze. The other difference is she’s toned and in shape and I’m basically a skinny fat kid. My bestie will call me and complain about going to the gym and wanting to eat pasta. She will joke she wants to get skinny with out having to work out and eat anything wants, to which I always reply, oh ya but do you really want to throw up at a moments notice and be so sick somedays all you want to do is lay in bed but you don’t even wanna watch netflix because you’re too busy dying? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

So next time you’re hating life because you have the flu just be glad at some point you will get better. And remember nothing says date night like a little vomit.

Pinterest: Bored House Wife Porn

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Pinterest is addicting. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve stayed up way passed my bedtime feeding my Pinterest addiction…it’s like crack. But let’s be honest how often do we actually use the stuff we pin?! You know we’ve all pinned the DIY mason jar soap dispenser…are you actually going to make that..probably not…but you like to pretend you’re crafty.

That’s the other thing I am not crafty…I have a board called DIY/crafty…I’m like 98% sure I’ve never actually made anything on that board. But hey if I ever feel inspired, or need to make something, or find myself with a copious amount of time on my hands…I can rest easy knowing I’ve pinned it.

There are two things I will admit to legitimately using Pinterest for…it’s been my shopping inspiration….I can thank Pinterest for my desperate need to go out and buy an Aztec print sweater (which I did and it’s adorable). It gave me the courage to go buy a statement necklace knowing I’ve pinned about 50 outfits to pair it with and another 50 different ways to wear it. So basically Pinterest is the reason for that dent in my pink Michael Kors wallet, (which I’ve also pinned on Pinterest and probably captioned “love my MK wallet”).

My boyfriend has grown not only to accept my Pinning but to love it, because the second thing l use it for is recipes. I did not cook and never cared to until Pinterest came along, now I’m making everything from cookies to lasagna and I’m proud of it. So proud in fact that most of the time I Instagram it. “Freshly baked cookies for my babe” #pinterestsuccess …yes, I’m that girl…stop judging…you know you’ve done it too!

And then there are those who take Pinterest to a whole new level of obsessed, they pin like it’s their job, (probably because they don’t have one) they are the bored housewives of America. They are the women who make the rest of a us feel wildly inadequate. The women who pin things to their craft bored and then actually complete them…bitches.
They are the moms who hand make birthday invitations, and they are not just invites. They take paper, string and some buttons and make that invitation into a sail boat for god sake.
They are the women who have themed parties and when you ask where they bought the cute little cupcake toppers they say “oh I made it from Pinterest” …silly you, expecting an answer like Party City.
The same women who Instagram the baked potato soup they made on a whim because it’s a cold winter afternoon. They saw it on Pinterest and didn’t have anything better to do and the soup turned out perfectly…obviously. And you’re just a tad jealous because you saw this post while scrolling through your news feed and eating Kraft Mac N Cheese. You’re response to their unattainable perfection?…”where’s my wine!?”
These are the wives who are making cake pops for their husbands office potluck, while the rest of us rip open a bag of Oreo’s and dump them on a red plate…festive right? I thought so. Because who has time to bake for a work…you’re not getting paid enough for that.

While it may sound as if I’m passing judgement (and maybe I am, just a tad) it’s only because I’m not crafty and I can barely cook…I will never be able to live up to the Pinterest standards of the bored housewives of America…but for those random times I do, you can bet I’m going to Instagram it.

10 Reasons Girls Love Football

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I don’t know about you but I am a huge football fan!! It’s the best part of fall! Food, beer, and men in tight pants…what’s not to love?

1. It’s Sexy. No guy can resist a hot girl who wants to drink a beer and watch the game. And if she understands the game…it’s a huge turn on! [Note: there is a fine line between being able to HANG with the guys and being ONE of the guys]
HOT: Shouting obscenities at the ref after a bad call with the guys.
NOT: Having a belching contest with guys during halftime…can you say friend zone??

2. The Food. It’s a smorgasbord of deliciousness. Pizza rolls, hot dogs, chips and dip. It’s a socially acceptable excuse to pig out. Check your diet at the door…and maybe put in some extra gym time because there is no salad allowed during the game.

3. We do it for the drinks. Football is an excuse to partake in some serious day drinking. Whether you care about what’s going on in the game or not, football is just not football with out a beer in hand. [Pro tip: if the game starts early I like to warm up with a mimosa or a Bloody Mary]

4. Football Pants. Erick Decker in tight white pants…need is say more??? #HOT

5. It’s a great excuse to get all of your friends together and have a good time. Even if you invite your friends who aren’t into football too …it’s just like a party where the TV is on! Give them a beer and some snacks and they will be good to go…Who doesn’t love chips and dip??

6. The outfits…nothing is more adorable than wearing your teams jersey! It’s perfect for a cute pre-game selfie. #gametime…Instagram you are welcome!

7. Fantasy football is not
Just for Guys! It’s fun and easy! And it makes watching the games on TV even more exciting because you have something riding on the outcome! There is nothing like screaming at the TV!

8. Bragging rights…there is nothing more fun that taking your besties team down during Monday night foot ball! Care to make a wager??

9. Single? Grab your girls and go watch the game at a bar… Remember when I told you guys like a girl who knows her football…I wasn’t kidding! Try me!

10. It’s a family friendly activity…why do you think everyone watches
Football on thanksgiving…that and you can start drinking at noon to cope with any awkward family drama with out anyone judging.

Thank you football!

10 Reasons Basic is the New Bad

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This whole basic bitch thing has gone so far that it’s starting to lose it’s negative connotation.
Urban Dictionary describes a basic bitch as; “an bum-ass woman who thinks she’s the shit but she really ain’t”. Since Lil Duval coined the term basic bitch the definition of basic has evolved. “Basic” has been defined by Urban Dictionary as “an adjective describing any person, place, behavior or dress that is obscenely obvious”. Before the term basic took on a life of it’s own my “basic white girl” understanding of it was unoriginal, lacking style, and if it was used to describe a person…that person was doing a whole lot of nothing with their life. Now common things everyone likes are suddenly uncool because they are basic and bow I’m kind of ok with my basic-ness.

1. The infamous Pumpkin Spice Latte – ok we get it everyone likes it…because it’s delicious…not because were not original enough to order something else….enough said.

2. Ugg boots…they are cute, comfy and trendy. And hell I even made the trend my own by rocking coral uggs. So now you’re trying to tell me it’s basic and uncool to follow trends…aren’t we kind of contradicting ourselves here…I think so!

3. Lauren Conrad is famous for her basic bitchiness. Last time I checked it wasn’t standard for teen girls to star in a reality TV show in high school and then create there own fashion line, becoming a style icon…should I go on?

4. I read in the latest issue of Cosmo that liking New Years Eve makes you basic. It’s a national holiday, a fresh start, and an excuse to wear an excessive amount of sequins! What wrong with that!? (However if you say you’re resolution is to lose weight, then you’re basic…that’s so unoriginal come on.)

4. This brings me to my next point even Cosmo is rebelling against negativity surrounding being a basic bitch…isn’t Cosmo like the girl code bible!? In my opinion they are about two seconds from giving all of us basic bitches the fun, fearless, female award! Just sayin’.

5. PINK…Girls like it because it’s comfy, guys like it because there is nothing like a booty in yoga pants. They have a style and color for any mood you’re in from sporty to sparkly. Dear Basic Bitch police please stop messing with the system. The VS Pink line is a crowd pleaser!

6. I now live in fear of all my favorite things becoming basic…. If Michael Kors is referred to as basic I will hunt that person down.

7. Ordering a Cosmo… Apparently ordering one let’s your bartender know you’re basic. I’m pretty sure Carrie Bradshaw would disagree…I rest my case.

8. Pretty much all good TV shows …from Sex and the City to the Real World…now this is just getting ridiculous people. If you say you don’t like trashy TV you’re lying to yourself and everyone else and that’s all there is to it. Admit it even if you think you’re the baddest most original bitch out there you still love a good Gilmore Girls episode or you’ve committed a piece of Carrie Bradshaw’s sage love advice to memory. Even if you say you only watch KUWTK to Kim then you’re just as guilty and basic as the rest of us!

9. Names…really…were at fault for our parents poor choices?? I now shed a tear for all girls named Ashley because they were cursed from birth with the title of basic bitch. Does anyone else think this is a little much? Just me? Ok then.

10. And finally the infamous mess bun. The once cute, chic go to look that said I’m absolutely adorable with out trying has now been added to the constantly growing list of things that make us basic.

All things considered if these make me basic than I don’t wanna be bad!

10 Things that Suck about friends becoming Moms

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We are at that awkward age…our mid twenties. Which means half our friends are getting married and having babies and then the other half is still participating in “Thirsty Thursday” even though they have a “Grown Up Job” and have to battle an early morning hang over.
It seems like just when we’ve paid off the awful bridesmaid’s dress on our credit card, were charging a diaper genie for the baby shower. And then when you think you couldn’t have any less in common with your bestie (she used to shoot tequila with you and now she’s drinking kale smoothing and popping prenatal vitamins) she pops out the little bundle of joy and things that are far more annoying…

1. Insta-excess. We get it, your baby is adorable, but 7 posts a day is a little much. It’s a one month old – how much could he/she possibly be doing.

2. The profile pic of you and your girl clinking glasses at her wedding reception has been replaced by yet another photo of the baby. Not her AND the baby, ONLY the baby. I’m sorry I thought this was your page – not your newborns….like, why?!?

3. The Judgement. The girl who once used to be famous for getting too hammered and taking her top off at parties is now passing judgement on your life choices. Last time I checked enjoying the single life at 25 is not a crime, just ask Carrie Brashaw.

4. Mommy & Me. That’s it you have been replaced by the same group of women you used to cringe at together while grabbing non-fat Vanilla Lattes before your shopping date…the dreaded mommy and me play group. You just don’t get her anymore.

5. The feeling is mutual. Complaining to her about how you got drunk and slept with your ex is just not the same…you used to share a bottle of wine while you complained…now you have to watch her breast feed.

6. You’re now a free babysitter. Your girl calls you up saying she really needs a night out. It’s been months with out a girls night out, you’re ready to put the Champagne on Ice and breakout your leather pants…she asks you to babysit.

7. Possibly even worse than the new mom who thinks a good time is eating cookies in her sweats while the baby naps is the friend who thinks nothing has changed. She wants to go out and get wild wearing the mini dress she bought pre-baby while still rocking the post baby weight…how do you tell her this night isn’t going to end well?

8. Let’s bring the baby! While it may sound like a good idea at first, it usually ends up with a screaming baby and your bestie pulling her boob out in the middle of the Cheesecake Factory, as you drink your Peach Bellini and reminisce about the time she showed her boobs in public…for free shots…not milk.

9. You own mom…upon seeing he arrival of your friends babies your mom suddenly feels the need to remind you that “your clock is ticking” and the not so subtle hints that she’d like to be a grandma. Thanks mom, your right if Jessica had a baby I should too…and I suppose if she jumped off a cliff you’d expect me to follow? NO.

10. In a last ditch effort to connect with you your bestie asks…”Don’t you want this someday?” ….as she is covered in spit up you don’t have the heart to tell her, no at the moment you find throwing on a Sparkly Mini and going to Nobu for dinner and drinks with the other misfits who haven’t manage to snag a man and get knocked up far more appealing.