WTF Moments:Giving Pretty Girls Wrinkles by 30

 

 Today was one of those days…I’ve come to the realization that because of days like today I will need Botox by the time I’m 30. A very tiny thin barely noticeable line has appeared and made itself at home on my forehead. 

You know how they say resting bitch face keeps you pretty? It’s true. I have chronic resting bitch face…a disease which I’ve come to accept. Unfortunately, my next most common face is the eye brow raise…. You know the face…caused by what I like to call “WTF moments” …you know the ones caused by stupidity or excessivness and followed by the phrase, “I can’t!”….yeah, with each eye-brow raise this f**king wrinkle becomes more deeply engraved on my forehead and I blame stupid, excessive  people.

Here are my top five reasons why pretty girls need Botox by 30….

1. Co-workers. They are without a doubt my number one reason, I can’t even tell you how many temper tantrums and e-mails cause me to raise my eyebrows each and every day …for extended periods of time. It baffles me the lack of professionalism that is allowed in the work place. I had a co-worker storm out of a meeting and yell “I’m over it”….not one of us knew why, I can’t even tell you how long my eyebrows were raised in utter shock! Or girls who cry hysterically because cause were told they were incorrect or made a mistake….and not just once, Every. Single. Time. I just can’t…but unfortunately my eyebrows can. And then there is that guy…. the guy that hits on you via work email…I just wanna respond….”you know our boss can see this right” …and yes this is sexual harassment…and now the break room is in perpetual state awkwardness and eyebrow raises. So thanks for the wrinkle buddy! 

2. When you check your bank account….either way there is going to be an eye brow raise of epic proportions! It’s either a WTF happy, shocked, I have way more money than I thought and I deserve a treat, eye brow raise or it’s a WTF how did I spend so much money I can’t afford a Starbucks tomorrow morning, eye brow raise. Only like 3% of the time do you actually think “oh ya that’s what I thought” when you look at your bank statement. You can thank your after 3 glasses of wine online shopping addiction for that…you know who you are.

3. When my boyfriend eats my food…I have six siblings, they eat a lot more than I do, this has turned me into a food hoarder…well kinda. My BF makes me dinner and gives the standard boy girl portions…so he has way more then me…and then he has the nerve  to reach over and grab the egg off my salad…OMG….the wrinkle that eyebrow raise gives me is the reason he will be paying for my Botox someday! 

4. Exes….when your ex sends you selfie snapchats asking  how you are…and a few hours later they send you a snuggley snap of them with their new GF…wtf is wrong with you? My eyebrows are permanently stuck in this position because you are clearly a sociopath…weirdo. Then I raise my eyebrows again…so I can ponder why I dated you!                                             And then their is his ex, the jealous ex girl friend who shows up at bars to see what you look like, because yes, you really are that beautiful in person, and then trashes you on her Facebook, calling you things like slut and troll. Sadly, yes, these are also wrinkle causing moments, my eyebrows are raised because she’s a stalker…and then I add to my laugh lines because it’s kind of hilarious.

5. When retail therapy goes wrong. It was one of those days where, your coworkers suck, traffic was horrible, your boyfriend forgot to change your reservation coz you had to work late and you stop by target on your way home…every woman’s happy place. You go in for a bottle of white wine and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s to drown your sorrows. And then you see the most adorable pair of shoes, there is one pair left, they are your size and on sale for 20 bucks. It’s like the shoe sale God’s put them there just for you…so obviously your broke, you don’t get paid for another week…and obviously you need to text your BFF to make sure they are cute enough to buy….and because your day sucks that bitch (and you call her that with so much love) decides to pick now to have a life and not text you back. Whyyyy…so you complain to your boyfriend…and he says “baby you deserve the shoes, you should buy them”. The person who judges the amount you shop the most, just made you feel ok about your purchase…it’s moments like this that remind you why you keep that adorable boy around. Your day is turning around! You check out, and you’re slightly surprised by the total. You glance at the receipt when you get home and notice despite the sale sign you just paid FULL PRICE for those beautiful  on sale, Gift from the Retail God’s shoes….so you raise your eyebrows at that receipt and contemplate what to do next. Then you finally come to the conclusion that you should screw the extra ten bucks and open that bottle of wine…to relax your face muscles obviously….

And that ladies and gents is why I will someday need Botox….what can we take away from this??  We can thank wine for the help until it’s time to get those lovely Botox injections. Did I mention I hate needles??? 

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10 Reasons Girls Love Football

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I don’t know about you but I am a huge football fan!! It’s the best part of fall! Food, beer, and men in tight pants…what’s not to love?

1. It’s Sexy. No guy can resist a hot girl who wants to drink a beer and watch the game. And if she understands the game…it’s a huge turn on! [Note: there is a fine line between being able to HANG with the guys and being ONE of the guys]
HOT: Shouting obscenities at the ref after a bad call with the guys.
NOT: Having a belching contest with guys during halftime…can you say friend zone??

2. The Food. It’s a smorgasbord of deliciousness. Pizza rolls, hot dogs, chips and dip. It’s a socially acceptable excuse to pig out. Check your diet at the door…and maybe put in some extra gym time because there is no salad allowed during the game.

3. We do it for the drinks. Football is an excuse to partake in some serious day drinking. Whether you care about what’s going on in the game or not, football is just not football with out a beer in hand. [Pro tip: if the game starts early I like to warm up with a mimosa or a Bloody Mary]

4. Football Pants. Erick Decker in tight white pants…need is say more??? #HOT

5. It’s a great excuse to get all of your friends together and have a good time. Even if you invite your friends who aren’t into football too …it’s just like a party where the TV is on! Give them a beer and some snacks and they will be good to go…Who doesn’t love chips and dip??

6. The outfits…nothing is more adorable than wearing your teams jersey! It’s perfect for a cute pre-game selfie. #gametime…Instagram you are welcome!

7. Fantasy football is not
Just for Guys! It’s fun and easy! And it makes watching the games on TV even more exciting because you have something riding on the outcome! There is nothing like screaming at the TV!

8. Bragging rights…there is nothing more fun that taking your besties team down during Monday night foot ball! Care to make a wager??

9. Single? Grab your girls and go watch the game at a bar… Remember when I told you guys like a girl who knows her football…I wasn’t kidding! Try me!

10. It’s a family friendly activity…why do you think everyone watches
Football on thanksgiving…that and you can start drinking at noon to cope with any awkward family drama with out anyone judging.

Thank you football!