Monday Night Struggles: The Bachelor Bracket Saga Continues

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Kelsey’s attention whoring, most likely faux, panic attack has left our brackets hanging in the balance, with no rose ceremony and more drama than one bottle of red wine can combat. Looking at who’s left on my bracket I can’t help but think WTF?! …and Wow ABC, kudos to your editing skills!

My pick for the winner is Kelsey…I know right, how did I manage to pick the crazy bitch that everyone hates, to be my winner. This is where I tip my hat to ABC, the season previews skillfully hid her crazy. After going on and on about her “Amazing story” I’m left thinking either she’s making everything about her dead hubby up or she killed him! Who’s with me? I’m actually hoping for Chris’s sake that I lose. Also, does anyone else think Chris’s slight melt down pre-rose ceremony caused her to fake a panic attack in a desperate attempt to get a rose? She scares me.

Jade is my runner up. She’s so cute and sweet and I was seriously wishing I had picked her to win. Then I found out shy little Jade posed for play boy! Can’t wait for that bomb to drop. I’m betting Farmer Chris’s sisters will be shocked that the Cinderella they picked for their precious baby brother is moonlighting as a play boy model. All I could think looking at her nudie was, did she get hypothermia during the photo shoot??

Then there is Whitney, I’m thinking she might win but omfg her voice is annoying. Good luck listening to that! I’m pretty sure if he picked her, her type A personality would be running his tiny Iowa town in no time.

And Caitlin, she’s my pick for the next bachelorette. Cute, entertaining and she’s going to take one look at Chris’s home town and yell “just kidding”!

I think I could write a whole blog on how much I hate Ashley I! Every time she speaks I think “ohhh myyy godddd Ashley I STFU and stop crying you annoying whore.” I literally want to slap this girl every time she talks about being a virgin, cries, blinks because her eye lashes are sooooo fake, and when ever she has a jealous temper tantrum…so basically I want to slap her like the whole episode.

Every rose ceremony when he calls Samantha…I see her and go “who the F**k is that??” I think she’s said maybe five words the whole season. Has she ever even talked to Chris?? He’s been dropping girls like flies and yet she’s still here?? I’m confused.

Megan…I can’t tell if she’s always drunk or if she’s dumb as a post. Either way she’s adorable and I want to party with her…and explain that yes New Mexico is a state and Mexico is a country. Clearly a cute guy sat in front of her in geography.

Who the hell allowed Mackenzie to go on the Bachelor. She’s is 21 and acts about 12….stop talking about aliens and go home to your kid. I believe the show you were looking for was teen mom. Sorry not sorry.

Carly… I hope when she watches this back she counts how many times she says “like” every episode. “My like ex wouldn’t like touch me and like didn’t like know why”…that would be enough for me to not give her a rose. If she got rid of the incessant likes and stepped her eyebrow game up, I could root for her!

Becca, bachelor virgin #2…I have no complaints so far. She’s flying just under the radar and she could be a serious contender.

And last but not least, one of Farmer Chris’s favorites Britt. Did she really think she could pull a fast one on us? We know what nap means, as Kaitlyn would say, he plowed Britt’s field. All I could think when that door closed was “gosh I really hoped she showered.” She may have been make up ready at 4:30 AM but was she clean? One things for sure Britt is a dirty girl. Hearing her say she wanted 100 babies made me want Chris to pick her and turn her into a baby factory just to teach her a lesson about honesty.

I seriously can’t wait for the After the final rose because farmer Chris is going to be wondering why he kept Ashely I so long, and finally get to see how crazy Kelsey is…unless he picks her…coz she will probably murder him before the last episode airs.

Image via buzzfeed.com

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The Bachelor: Till Rose Ceremony Do Us Part

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It’s Bachelor Monday and you know what that means, enjoying a glass of wine while mocking the contestants and adding up the points from my bracket. Yes, we have a Bachelor bracket, like basketball bracket. It’s taken my obsession to a whole new level. I can now bet on the girls I’m judging from the comfort of my couch! Yay!
I am teased relentlessly for watching this show. I’ve been watching it since I was 12, I’m in a long term committed relationship with The Bachelor. I’ve been watching it for half my life and my Monday nights feel empty with out it…only other bachelor superfans will be able to relate to all the awesomeness! But we don’t watch for the reasons you think.

First of all, I’m not delusional, I do not think I’m watching a magical love story unfold. Sure there are adorable moments that make us swoon and fall in love right along with them. Anyone can fall in love away from real life on exotic vacations and fancy free dates…and apparently 10 other women. But it actually is exciting to see the couples who last and can take their relationship from beaches and helicopters back home to jobs and dishes. Let us all remember Trista and Ryan, Bachelorette season 1 success. Also Ashley and JP from one of the more recent Bachelorette seasons. (Sensing a patter? Yes, girls do choose better than guys). But Sean and Catherine are still adorable and going strong from the recent Bachelor past.

Second, finding love on TV is going to bring all the hot, crazy bitches out of the woodwork and we LOVE it. That’s what makes it so funny and fun to watch. All these crazy women vying for one mans attention is great television. Judge me if you want but I will happily sip my wine and judge, mock, and love these crazy bitches all season long. From the girls you love to the girls you love to hate, it’s pure entertainment.

Third, he’s hot and has good job….there is obviously something wrong with him. No seriously there is something wrong with him. How many, hot enough to be on tv, men with their shit together do you know that say things like “I’m ready for love” and are running around still single if they don’t want to be? None, huh? Yeah, that’s what I thought ! I mean it’s like a disaster waiting to happen. Through out the season you get to discover his flaws and root for your favorite crazy girl to win because you love their matching levels of dysfunction. Now I’ll give this seasons Bachelor a little credit, maybe his soul mate isn’t in a town of 400 people in Iowa, but will it be on The Bachelor? I have my doubts.

Fourth, you’ve gotta love the anticipation during the rose ceremony. There is nothing I love more than Chris Harrison coming out and announcing, that this is the final rose. Even though we can all see there is only one rose left on his table. Thanks for the dramatic affect Chris! You know you sit there nervous to hear your favorites name get called. And absolutely reeling when he calls the name of the two faced crazy girl everyone hates, every season has one. You find yourself screaming at the tv, “he’s not going to find love if he picks her!” And nothing says I’ve found love like hearing your name called among 15 other women. I’m
mean and I love to watch the girls embarrass themselves and cry after the rose ceremony…Why didn’t he pick me? I was here for all the right reasons She thought they were a match made in heaven until he didn’t call her name. *sigh*

Finally, the show has taken on a life of it’s own. Between The Bachelor viewing party’s you have with your girls and the new level we’ve achieved with our brackets it’s an excuse for a good time. It’s one of the few shows most of my girlfriends still watch and whether it’s getting everyone together or FaceTimeing during the show it’s a two hour excuse to hang out and drink wine with your girls. And if you really want to have a good time there is The Betches Love The Bachelor Drinking Game (http://www.betcheslovethis.com/article/betches-love-this-bachelor-drinking-game ) Ladies you are welcome! Enjoy!

Photo credit: http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/episode-guide